Problem is I fell in love with you way too fast. I was there before I knew it, trembling with emotions I didn't get to know before. But it was just me. I felt like I have been loving you from afar for too long already. It was just me staring at a vast expanse of dreams and realities mixed in frenzied yet blissful confusion. How could I paint all these in words anyway, when all I know is to love you and be hurt by the things that you never get to know. I never dared hope for anything from you at all. Right from the start I chose to believe that you're all about an inconsistently fleeting moments like the sun that knows nothing but to rise and fall.

And so I built a picket fence around me, adorned with beautifully thorn-riddled ornaments of pretense. I thought could never let you in. You bring pain with you. And You couldn't care less. Asking me to trust you is a such a chore. I feel I am safe inside my fence.

I used to think I will be like this for as long as I still feel something for you. Then again, will these feelings even go away? Where will all this bring me? I wish I can just say I'll stay here anyway... until such time...

The more that you're in love like that with me, the more that I come close to despairing. I cannot embrace that, all of those that you call love. I wish you'll save something for yourself, something which you can call your own. Because in this life, nothing could be certain. No one could stay forever. We may grow old together, yes, even if we would be apart. But one of us has to go ahead. Why make more memories to cry over when we're old and alone anyway? I wish I can see things from your perspective.

I wish I am the little girl again, dreamy and hopeful. There is a lot to hope for when it comes to us sharing a life together. So many beautiful things can happen out of it. If only we won't need to hide.

I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of sneaking. I hate that little dark place already. It stares at me like a dark sinister night that hides monsters and demons ready to take on me...

Among a million love stories in the world I know ours is not one of a kind. So many others cry the same tears like ours, and mourn the same deaths our hears endure almost each time the sun sets. But for me, what makes it one a kind is that our hearts have the ability to reincarnate, each moment after dying to the pains that the rest of the world never knows. We love so much more that what we can only contain. I still and will forever wonder how such feelings could come alive in our hearts as cold as the graveyard.

If only fate was much kinder to us. If only back then our roads have crossed and showed us the way to where we are right now. If only I believed there’s such a thing as true love.
But what are we? What are you? Are you true love? Are you even real? Can you really love me that much? Can you really stay that way forever?

I want to believe you. Because I am tired of getting scared all my life. I’m tired of being lonely and alone. Before I thought I was happy. That because I knew no better. We knew no better. Now that we have found each other, all of a sudden there is melody in the rain. We hear the sun sighs as it sets. There is orchestra at dawn break. If all these aren’t because of love, then I don’t know what else they are.

Whenever you hold my face and look at me as if your whole life depended on my eyes, I come alive inside, so alive like a flower blooming to its fullest. If only I can freeze the moment and hold it in my heart forever. The more that I see you, the longer that I spend time with you, the more that I become so impatient to want to be with you all the time. There is so much in your loving me that makes me want to stay awake forever and feel you rushing through my veins. Breathing the air next to you becomes a privilege, a treat, a gift. There is so much about us being together that gives me hope that one day, indeed, our love will make everything possible.

But after each moment, after the fire has died down, after living the dream in fleeting moments, I go home lonely, with the gnawing emptiness inside. I am still broken. I am still hurting. I am still alone. and I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying… and never knowing why.

I love you, even when I act like I do not care. I want you, as often as I push you away. Most of the time I sniff in the air in a desperate attempt to imagine you're near. You rule my memory even when I become elusive as moon in a stormy night.

Loving you is a dangerous vice, even deadly. But I snort you in like lines of cocaine, choking myself till I get lost into our world where nobody knows existed. It is pretty in there, fresh, free, deliriously happy.

I am an addict.

Maybe when I am less scared I will write again. I will write about dreams of a great love found but lost it to forever. Right now how can I write anything about it when all I face each day is having to fall off a cliff of rejection. As much as he insists on how much in love he is with me he rejects me by the things that he does as compliance to the whims of my criminal heart. At least that’s how I feel.

How can I fully trust him? If only I know how. How can I accept everything that he offers and not get hurt over and over by the things that he could not. There is the whole vastness of forbidden dreams between us and it will forever separate us. He can forever swim through these furious waves, but he will get tired. He can get tired. I fear it to happen but I wait for that day. Rather than hope otherwise and die out of it.

He is out there, crying his own pains. And I am here, loathing my tear-drenched heart for still beating in spite of drowning.

There is so much to write. But even my own words scare me.

I want to forget everything. I want to keep away anything that could remind me of you. I wish I'll have amnesia. I wish I'll go mad. How can your past not hurt me? How can it not torture me in ways that you will never know? I want to run away where it could not haunt me, where even your present cannot find me. I want to run away where pain cannot reach me and abuse me some more.

There have been a lot of inconsistencies in the things you've been telling me...how could I trust you. And what will I profit from it anyway? I am falling so madly in love with you I'm getting out of control. I am panicking at the thought of it. I cannot stay this way. I have to get out. Before I lose my mind.

run to you

I know that when you look at me
There's so much that you just don't see
But if you only take the time
I know in my heart you'll find
Oh, a girl who's scared sometimes
Who isn't always strong, can't you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone

Chorus
I wanna run to you hoo hoo
I wanna run to you hoo hoo hoo
Won't you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm?
I wanna run to you hoo hoo
But if I come to you hoo hoo hoo hoo
Tell me will you stay or will you run away

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night, I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me
Oh, what's the sense
Of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean

(repeat chorus)

Run away no
I need you here
I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew, how much I wanna run to you

(repeat chorus)

I'm really clingy when I fall in love. I constantly have this need to connect and I cannot tolerate unfeeling, halfhearted responses when I try to get in touch. Problem with me is I easily get bored and then I lose my zest. A sucker for sentimentality, I live in a dreamland almost always. Knowing him I thought I found company. How wrong I was...

I guess there is no way that I could turn away from you. I can’t help though, but keep running. I keep resisting the urge to love you more and more each day. If I can’t have you fully and completely, I’d rather not have you at all. It is just a matter of choosing which path to take. And with this path we are right now facing, I am simply too scared for us. Weather is too precarious in our own universe.

You are still too good to be true for me. Many times I feel everything about you is temporary. It will all fade. It will all wane. I will lose you, later if not sooner.

my birthday came and went. nothing from him. not a single flower. no love letter. not a blog post. nothing. i do not take anything for an excuse. my thoughtfulness test is quite demanding. he didn't pass. not close to it.

and i thought he's different from the rest.

Will you be there when the flames die out and the fog remains? Will you be the same when things will change and the freshness gone? How long can you stay anyway? Will you be the one to love me when I have finished loving? What kind of love is it that you posses anyway?

I want to believe it's the same that I do, that I hold so close and dear in my heart. I want to believe that you will be there waiting at the end of forever. I do not want you to make any more promises though, it will spare you from trouble. It will spare me from pain.

I stay while I cannot be strong enough to leave. If ever I will never be strong enough to do so, you can leave anyway, when it's time for you to. I have been through so much pain, why can't I go through it again? I will surpass it once more.

I do not have the freedom to hope for you right now.

I feel so cold right now. And so alone. and so scared. I wish there is a way where you can be there for me all the time. But nobody can actually do that to anyone. And the more that I cling to you, the more that I find it difficult to let go.

Our situation is difficult, but not impossible. That's what I try to think every time I feel so hopeless this way. But deep inside of me I feel it is, indeed, an impossible situation.

Many times I feel that lingering and forever hoping things could work out for us, is such a criminal waste of time. Where are we heading anyway? Don't you think ours is such an embarrassing audacity to stick to what we feel and yet swim in our own putrid blood? How can we hold on to something so intangible?

I love you. But I am dying from each heartbeat.

it was one of my longest nights last nights. i lay wide eyed looking at the ceiling and thinking of you. i grimace from pain just thinking how we couldn't be together when all that we know is be in love with each other. life is so unfair that way.

i was trying to imagine a world when we are free to love and live our the dreams of our hearts. it's a lot brighter, a lot happier, a lot more perfect....if only no one will get hurt.

but what about our own hurts? until when can we bear them? what is in store for two souls lost in love and forever wandering in the star-dusty skies of passion and uncertainty?

sometimes i am like Juliet tired and wanting to give up. sometimes i am romeo desperate to make things work and be with you no matter what the cost. sometimes i am the potion that you take thinking it will not separate you from your love and yet bring about your death...

i wish we know better than just being happy with each other...then again is there happiness outside of knowing you and being with you?

I wish there is a way where pains heal overnight. I have endured too many a long night, I can almost feel my heart fading. The more that you insist yourself on me, the more that I am scared to melt in your arms. The more that you promise me you would take care of me, the more that I think of the days when you failed to do it.

Yes, I love you. But I hate you just the same. For hurting me too much many times before that it has changed me forever. Now, I cannot turn away from you and I find it all too unfair. You’ve turned your back on me so easily, but now why couldn’t I do just the same?

Why could love justify everything so easily? It just doesn’t make sense.

It’s the first time that I heard him say he’s willing to leave everything for me. Emotions swelled inside of me: happiness, fear, doubt, excitement. Is he really that serious in saying that? Is he really that in love with me? Does he really want me that bad? Isn’t it just a temporary madness? A passing fancy? Would I be willing to do just the same for him?

He is all that I want. Despite my seemingly cool, unaffected ways sometimes, the truth is, I am just as crazy in love with him, every minute every second of the day. I want to think it would it be enough to leave everything for him. How could this feel so right when it is so actually wrong?

If I run away with him, I’m pretty sure I would be happy. But I’m not sure what kind of happiness it would be, if all the rest of the world would scorn us. Would he remain strong and faithful and devoted in spite of all the odds we will be facing?

Last night I ran away from the world. And he stayed by me. Everyday, especially during the times when we’re alone naked in each other’s arms, everything is always still so surreal. He is a reality I never expected I would be holding. We are so perfect for each other. We know just what to do to please the other. Couldn’t it be more tragic to feel so illegally romantic all the time?

If he lets me go…

I can start anew. I will be broken. But I can start anew.

I cannot trust anymore. That’s a new disease I’ve acquired. I cannot give myself away anymore. At least not completely.

I want to break free. I don’t want to be bound with promises and hopes and wanting to belong. Falling in love has brought me pains, more than joys when it’s supposed to be. How can love justify the tear-stained pillows every night?

I wonder what I will get out of the one month that I’ve given him. Definitely I am not hoping for anything anymore. I’m scared of being failed. Then again, this should be a team effort as he calls it…I don’t think I still have it, anyway. To endure? To fight against myself? To choose what is right? What are those things, anyway?

I would rather, that he hates me. That he gives up on me and our so-called love. It will just keep hurting me.

I guess I can only bleed so much…

I’m standing here at a crossroads, looking around wondering how on hell I have come to reach this point. I am feeling so scared and so weary, things that I have been feeling for a million years ever since I met you. In spite of the bliss of loving you, I keep dying. I wish I can just freely tell you everything, without fearing that it will tire you, that it will push you away.


Until when are you going to be there? Until when will you tell me you love me? Until when can you stay? Will you really stay? I wish you will just go away. So I will have all the reason to give up and finally take my own course. I miss my independence. I didn’t know I could be this helpless and vulnerable. I do not want to feel scared forever.


I am one fragile, weightless dandelion being stripped and blown away by the wind. Piece by piece, my soul goes to wither. If only you can hold me together and keep me whole. How will our love let us live? Really live? I die from each heartbeat. I fade into this void of wanting and not having.

not what it seems

I know those looks of yours. I know you were groping, looking for something, through my eyes, toward my soul... but I couldn't bring myself to meet you, at least not halfway. I knew there would be something that is sure to stir in me. I just know it will leave me with more grief...over a love that is not known to many. Over a world that only the two of us know exists. Over a life that is happening, but cannot happen. Not at all.

I wish I can learn to swim like you do. You swim through this precarious ocean of ours so gracefully. You drown for a bit, once a in a while but every time, you manage to kick and flip your way back to the surface for air. Me? I drown every day. But God knows how I try to swim like you do, to survive like you do. It's not easy to be always gasping for air. For life.

I wish I can grab your hand and cling like I always wanted to. But I hold myself back almost all of the time because I don't want to be scared anymore, just in case you won't be around, once again. What can stop me from being scared anyway? Nothing, I guess. But I wait for the day to come that I will find out.

Even if I don't meet your eyes, even if I shove your hand away, even if I act like I do not care... I hope that in your heart, you know better than believing that.

rain

My pain right now is more than what I could tell you, is more, much much more than what my tears could show. No matter how strongly we feel for each other, no matter how happy I become whenever I am in your arms, it cannot change my situation. It cannot drive away my anguish inside my cage. The fact remains that I am trapped in a life where I cannot do anything but stay and endure. For how long, I do not know. I wish I will know when to give up. I wish I have the audacity to think about myself and just leave anything unpleasant.

I do not want to keep hurting you, I do not want to keep pushing you away. If I have all the freedom I will let you love me in every way that you want. But the more that you give yourself to me, the more that it pains me because I cannot give myself to you as much as I want. The contrast blinds me. It's not easy to love someone I cannot have and yet hate and dislike someone who won't go away. Sometimes it gives me great scare. I lose myself in the process. I do not know myself anymore. I get confused easily. I get impatient, selfish, demanding. I am losing my capacity and my ability to pause, reflect, understand, forbear.

I need time for myself. I need to breathe the air, the kind of air I knew when I was young and free and hopeful. As much as I want to share every moment with you, I cannot. For now I just can't. There is no other way to justify the joy we both feel whenever we're together. It is still illegal if not totally wrong. It is still unacceptable. Perhaps if there is one thing that I would ask you right now, is to please bear with me. Maybe some day it will be us forever, I would like that to happen. But for now, while everything is a waiting and guessing game, stay there, if possible at a distance, and bear with me as I struggle to stay alive.

I love you. And I want to keep loving you. I may not admit it to myself totally yet, but I'm pretty sure it's your love that keeps me strong. Let us take this by the day. Let us not expect for what is in store for tomorrow. Because I for one am not sure what else I will be able to give by then. Right now I am too weak and exhausted to even take a deep breath and remember I'm still alive. If only I could get strength from you. If only I wouldn't feel so guilty to do so. If only I could run to you and stay in your arms while I'm bruised and scared.

But even our love is hurting me. At least for now. I wish I could fully understand why. I wish our love will stop making me cry. But while we have this forbidden distance, it will remain rainy in my world.

out of rabbit hole

The moment I entered into their house the world around me swirled, spun and churned leaving me dazed and nauseated. Deciding to finally visit his family at his house was indeed opening a Pandora’s box. It was all too much. I was being confronted by his reality so mercilessly. All those pictures on the wall and cupboards that speak of how much he loves his family and how happy he is with his own life. They stare at me so reproachfully telling me how wicked I am for over and over wanting a piece of him. I was there, a disgusting, horrible betrayer talking to his wife over books, children and our husbands. I tried so hard to act relaxed and happy that I was there. But my eyes roamed around like a thief sneaking and looking for something interesting. He said he made love to her in every nook and corner of that house. In the kitchen, dining, living room, bathroom, outside in the yard. Everything played in my mind over and over and the torment of it all made me want to just storm out of their house and into the nearest rabbit hole.

I cannot bear this kind of pain forever. I would rather that I let him go, cry alone even forever but never see what his life is like with his family, than indulge myself in the luxury of his kisses and devotion everyday but I cry to my pillow each night over the fact that he isn’t totally mine.

I am a selfish, greedy, voracious lover. I want his heart all to myself, I want everything about him. Sharing is out of the question. Bearing is insane. Settling for less is far too impossible. I do not have it in me to sit and wait when will be my turn.

God how I love him. I am so fucking crazy in love with him that many times I begged the heavens to bring us back to where our roads started so we could meet again and change our course forever. I guess between us, he isn’t the dreamer one like he always claims he is. I’ve been the one dreaming, getting myself lost and contented with his presence and romance that when I finally went to see his family I was jolted out of my pillow and woke up to the most painful reality ever.

I am good as dead right now. Those were a thousand knives buried in my chest. One knowing look at his wife was a thousand doubled. He is married. He has that life long before I met him. I cannot forever live in wonderland.

Lighthouse

The trip wasn’t something that I had wanted, nor imagined. It wasn’t something that I was excited about for days. Up till now it leaves a pang in my heart knowing that I could never undo it. I guess the pang will just forever stay there…

It was more for him, that it was for me, or for both of us…just him. Despite all the fears deep inside me, despite all the disappointment, I closed my eyes and gave in. I thought I might as well give him what he wanted and make him happy. He was happy. I could see that. And many times I tried to hold back my tears watching him so free, basking in his zest, craziness, carelessness. I joined him, I indulged him, at least I would have something for him to treasure the rest of his life.

I wish I could disappear the whole day. I had secretly planned of sneaking out of the place before he would wake up. I was thinking of taking a bus and disappearing from his life forever. There was a lot of emotions for me to deal with and I didn’t trust myself to keep putting up a face for him. But then again, I turned from my side of the bed, found him so fast asleep, looking so contented. I lost all strength, as always.

He’s changed me in many ways. I still cannot know if these are for the better or for worse. I would be inclined to conclude on the latter, as far as my morality standard is concerned, but disregarding all those fucking patterns, I sure know these changes inside of me are for the better…

He says I’m changing him, too, and unlike me, he’s very positive about these things that delightfully befall him. It amazes me no end how much beauty he sees in me, how everything about me is a constant reminder nothing but love, love, love for him. I still cannot find it in me to believe everything that he says. I would melt deep inside but it is always coupled with a sickening fear that one day, he will be gone again, anyway.

The Lighthouse. I don’t know yet how much special it is for him, but I’m sure glad I am part of that happiness. I could not frolic like he did that afternoon, because my heart was sinking over the fact that we should be burying some bottle there. Maybe one day we can come back there again, this time for my happiness. Maybe one day I can write another blog, a poetry, even a book with the Lighthouse on the cover. Maybe one day there will be more trips down that road, more memories to be made. Happier ones.

DYING FAIRY

Once in my life I was free to soar, to sing, to shout at the top of my lungs, to think of anything and give life to it like a god growing wings to a worm...I was freer, if not completely free. I didn't have anything to own, nothing to be concerned about, but myself and my endless wanderlust.

Until love made me a slave of many kinds. My hands and feet got tied with ludicrous obsession to please and perverted desire to get hurt over and over...what have become of me? Never in my million imaginings did I ever think pain could be this addictive. I cringe at the thought of myself licking on my own blood and feeling so alive with its taste.

If only I could find a cave in which I could yield and conceal myself from this world. I am too much embarrassment. My existence is a shame to the rest of the dancing elegantly powerful fairies where I used to belong.

I loathe love and anything that it resonates. It's like a cancer that has stricken me, leaving me with no other choice but to lie in my death bed and wait till it finally consumes my flesh to rot.

WHAT OUR LOVE SHOULD BE

Let me tell you the things that you’d need to know, before I finally go ahead and change my course. Once and for all, my words will make immortal the feelings you alone have awaken in me.

I love you way too much already it’s hurting me not to see any future with you. Your love is too beautiful I cannot touch it. It shows me such a striking contrast of what I cannot have, too much that it blinds me. I cannot stay friends with you while nursing such desire too intense it scares me. And I cannot stay in love with you while we are nurturing such a beautiful friendship I know I won’t find with any other else.

Why do I love you, anyway? Should I even answer that? There’s something that I cannot name that stirred in me from the day that I first saw you. There’s something that both frightened and delighted me that night you first called me, a year ago. I guess I will die wondering what that was. I love you simply because of that mystery. There was something in your eyes that got hold of my soul, taking with it all reason I had left.

You are everything that I would want to be with for the rest of my life. But I cannot keep loving you the way that you would be pleased to, because you will break my heart, like you already had done before. Call me stupid, stubborn. Call me anything else. But I choose to keep thinking that way, I choose to get hurt more from that thought, because the more that I get hurt, the more that I become less frightened to get into the night forest all by myself.

My night forest is this marriage, and I am staying while I can. I am not going away, because I cannot bear to leave you. I cannot bear to hurt you. I cannot bear the thought that soon after your crying over me, you will move on, and find yet another. I am staying, but I should stop giving myself to you. Because each time I do, you take away a huge piece of me. Right now, there’s almost nothing left.

There is so much fear. I am almost certain that we got the same fears. All we both want is for each other to stay in sight. But are we really going anywhere?

I want out of this quagmire and I realized I cannot hold on to you because you too are stuck, here, with me. I want both of us out…Your daughter, her eyes…they pierced through me. It helped to finally see her in person. It reminded me where your life should be headed. Each time you talk about your wife, how much you love her, how much you take care of her, I die deep inside. And believing in how much you feel for me becomes impossibly difficult. How could I trust the same person who betrays his wife?

I love you. I hope you realize how much difficult this is for me. If I stop going out with you, whatever you show your family will be genuine once again. I am giving you that freedom. And I can move on and learn to find healing for all the scars loving too much have left me.

I have spoken too much already. I guess it’s time for me rediscover the silence where my soul resides. I’ll start again, from there…

You know you are in love
when you see the world in his eyes,
and his eyes everywhere in the world.

- David Levesque –

Lately I've noticed that you're becoming more and more like my husband...he used to have the same devotion, addiction, obsession towards me. He would always want to be beside me, to inhale the air next to me. He would look at no one but me, listen to no one but me, would say nothing but just look at me forever. I am scared of those things. Because I used to indulge in them, only to be hurt later. I know I shouldn't compare you to anyone. I know I shouldn't compare your feeling for me to anyone. But I just can't help but get scared. I am too scared to trust you. I am too scared to expose my heart yet again. Even if you've had me, I am holding back my heart because it has been so badly broken it is still actually trying to heal.

In spite of my endless qualms, I would be happy if you would stay the same, even if the fire has long been relinquished. Even if the songs have long since fade. Even if the rhymes wouldn't come anymore. I know things will change eventually. But even with just some smoke from the embers, I would be happy to breathe you in still.

I tried so much to make sense of what I fell for you, of what you're feeling for me. But I am getting tired already. I don't think things will ever make sense.

quagmire

Every time I think of you, I am overcome with emotions. Most of these emotions I cannot underline. All I know is I feel for you so so strongly that it blurs any bit of sanity I have left. Most of the time my own thoughts sadden me, cutting through my heart, simply because I do not have any permission to indulgence.

I want to walk away but I cannot bear to hurt you even if it will hurt me twice as much. I want you to walk away, but I get scared as hell at the thought of you abandoning me yet again. I don't know anymore. You're right. We're in a quagmire.

But I want something to hold on to. And we cannot hold onto each other, because we're both stuck in here...

I know I promised you that. I know I promised we will hang around till we grow old and gray. When that time comes, all this pain is over. Wounds healed already. All we will have are wrinkled, happy smiles on our faces...

But it's such a long long journey ahead. Right now I am so discouraged already. Would there really be something to look forward to? Here I am, there you are ... with meteors of fears and doubts in between us. Our hands barely could touch, our hearts parched from too much wanting. How much more of it could you take? Until you lose grip and find your own ground to land?

Why do you stay? There is nothing left in my music but sad, mournful refrains. I have since mastered the art of dying from each breath. The more I throb, the I less I feel anything...

going home...

Way past midnight. And I lay wide awake. Eyes puffy. Heart breaking and aching. Spirit downtrodden. I lay awake beaten by my own thoughts giving birth to one torment after another. While you, most likely, are sound asleep in your home. In your family. In your contentment. In your happiness. In your life you have so endeavored to build. You have everything going. You have a future to look forward to. And you deserve it.

But all of it pains me. Constantly. That reality of yours hurts me. Because it stares at me right in the face and tells me I am nothing but a cheater. I am nothing but a dog setting up for crumbs. I am no more than a mendicant forever begging for whatever it is that you can give me.

And all I have is myself. No, I do not have you. Because I cannot have you. No, you cannot be there for me, as much as I need you to be there. And no, you cannot stay in love with me that way forever. You will get too familiar with me. You will get tired of me. You will discover everything about me until there would be nothing left to discover. All that will be left in your heart for me will be one of genuine concern. At least I know it would be genuine.

I am saying these things because I need you to realize how much I need you, how much I need so much more of you, that each time you are there for me is never enough. Never enough. I need you to take me seriously, everything that I say. Even if oftentimes I say them while throwing back my head in confident laughter. Mostly they’re feigned mirth, by the way. I need you to really see me, to see me beyond, so you can pay attention to my riddles.

I need you to stop wanting me, and start proving to me that you would still want me around even if I cannot be there anymore in ways that you want.

I’m sorry I am just too scared already. I am really really too scared to lose you again. I am scared to look at such a blurry road up ahead. I am scared of myself, that I do not seem to know my way around anymore. I am scared of this life I am making, it’s not progressing at all. I am scared of the possibility that I would give up on myself completely and just quit. I am scared I’m hating myself too much already I stopped using any mirror. I am scared of this love for you, this desire for you, this addiction to you, this madness. It is love, I know. No doubt about that. But I do not want our love to keep breaking us.

I love you. I would die if I lose you yet again. I don’t know if you have any inclination of how much, just how much, I feel for you. How crazy I am for you. I do not even know if it could still go away. I love you, so much that I gave up my soul just for you. I love you more than I love myself, more than I love my life, than whatever I have right now. But it will break you to see me lifeless, will it not? Many times I’ve told you I wanted to die? Because that’s how I really feel each time I feel so much for you it leaves me helpless. I cannot allow you to feel responsible for my own misfortunes, for my misgivings, for my pains. That is why, while there is still part left in me that I could come home to, you have to help me at least give it a try.

I want to see could I still do it…

road up ahead

The other night I was talking about getting a divorce abroad, living a new life there, and getting married again. He resented it. He said that simply shows that he is not enough. He said it hurts him every time I talk about moving on with my own life.

But is there any other way for me? Clearly I cannot have him for myself. If my own marriage isn’t working, and if I choose to move on, I still wouldn’t be free to choose to be with him. He is making me happy. He is enough, more than enough for me. I can live a life of obscurity and still feel so complete and contented, as long as we’re together. But by ‘together’ I mean ‘us’. Just ‘us’. And that cannot be possible in any way.

Until when can we stay this way? Thinking about each other all the time, wanting, desiring. going out discreetly once in a while to try and stave off our hunger for each other. And back to our own separate lives by the end of each day…

He wants me to stick around. For things to be the way they are right now. Many times he would say ‘till I grow old’… Indeed I want us to grow old together. Indeed I would be happy to look forward to older years, when we would be smiling over these present pains, when we will still be sharing the same thoughts, same dreams, same wants, all the stupid, silly coincidences that have brought us together.

I wonder will they ever make sense…

Let me let you go

How do I let you go? How do I start walking away without my heart fading from each step? How do I forget the magic of your kisses? The spell of your touch? How do I stop thinking about you, and seeing your face everywhere? How should I stop the tears from flowing?

It would be almost a year since I started crying from the pain of knowing you. Yes, because more than the ephemeral bliss of our stolen moments, is the almost permanent pain of knowing we can never be able to love freely. Aching, throbbing, agonizing pain. Sometimes I get too weak from it I keep wishing to die. Yes, I’d rather die a thousand deaths than having to live my life over again and find you there. You see, having found you means a future of loneliness and pain. Once in a while, I am tempted to curse the day that I met you. It showed me how falling in love with a wrong person can cause a recurring nightmare. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

But I know I can still turn my life around. I know there is still somewhere inside me where I can find my lost ability to hope. I want to learn again, how to be happy. Without depending it on someone. I cannot continue to depend my happiness on you. I cannot keep expecting you to count the stars for me. I cannot keep believing we have the same story for each rainfall. Once in a while I’m thinking I just got too bedazzled to feel and believe otherwise.

I know I cannot stop loving you, though. You’ve become part of my life, in ways that I can never allow anyone else to experience. What you’ve seen, what you’ve touched, what you’ve experienced, everything you’ve become familiar with. Each scent, sound, even the response, the furtive silence, the delightful confusion that covers it all. Those were only for you, because you discovered them for yourself.

I don’t think someone else can find me the way you did.

That makes me too scared to go. Too scared to at least try to turn around and look the opposite road ahead. You said we need not go our separate ways. But how possible could that really be? Do you honestly believe we can go along the same path without destroying each other?

intoxicated

He likes to ask me questions. Am alright? Did I like what he did? What do I prefer? Did I miss him? Did I think of him? With whom I’m with? A guy or a girl? Guys like that used to turn me off. A lot. I didn’t like men who are too eager to please, to jealous, too insecure, too unsure of themselves. But with him, it’s different. Whenever he asks me things, whenever he’s too eager to please me, whenever he starts acting like an insecure boyfriend, I soak it in like I would in a milk bath. It’s so nourishing my heart feels ages healthier. But that’s the same reason why I never give him answers that he would like. Or at least I just give him part of my real answers. Because I do not want him to indulge in the pleasure of knowing how such a great lover he is. What good will it do to us, anyway? Ours is something only done in the dark, it doesn’t deserve to be cultivated and nurtured like a rose. What if it blooms to its fullest? What then?

This afternoon he called me up in the office. It startled me. For heaven’s sake only my husband calls me in my office landline. And it’s not as if he’s my boyfriend where I could openly get mushy with him over the phone. I wanted to say how good it was to hear his voice. I wanted to say I missed him terribly, even if it was only yesterday when we went out. I wanted to ask would he be free for a cup of coffee. I thought it was insane for him to make that call. My heart wanted to come out of my mouth. Because no matter how insane it was for him to do that, it made me happy. Even just for a moment.

Just for a moment. My heart bleeds at the reality staring at me in the face. I could never have him in my life forever. Never. I could never have his heart, all of it, for myself.

How I love him already. So much I cannot think of a future without him in it. I’ve never felt something like this in my life. But it pains me to think how something so beautiful can be so potent. It kills me to think how such feelings could cause so much suffering.

I’m scared of what pain tomorrow will bring me. I’m scared to see the road up ahead, where he will not be in it anymore. I’m scared to be so happy with him right now.

Where the angels fear to tread

Only a week ago, since we last went out. Only a week ago, and it seemed eternity...of waiting, of longing, of wanting...only a week ago, since we decided to give halting a try. He seemed determined. I was the one too scared to make the next step. He said I inspire him to be strong.

Only a week ago, and today we are back in each others arms, doing our blissfully filthy deed in the name of love. What kind of love, anyway? Or is it love, at all? I cannot conceive of it still, no matter how much deeply I feel it in my heart, no matter how tenaciously my thoughts hold on to his memory, whenever we are apart.

Over the phone he told me how much he missed me over the holidays. I could hear the emotions in his voice, so frightfully enchanting. Yet again, I refuse to indulge in it. I refuse to believe anything that he's saying, especially when he is so highly-sexed.

But once again, I gave in. What strength would I have for such a man who named my soul so well. I gave in, in spite of my own fears, I closed my eyes and abandoned myself to his spell, to his wanting.

And now I am back again curled up like an aborted fetus in a glass jar. Lifeless, demented, forever gone, forever lost. If only there is a way where I will not lose part of myself each time I give myself to him. If only there is a way where we can love each other without wanting each other even so much more.

Because there is no other way. I shall somehow be the one to go. This time.

Where I Should Stay

I watch them fast asleep aftr a pillow fight. My son, so oblivious to the storm I've been trying so hard to pacify for him. My husband, bearing my indignation I've been pathetically trying to hold on to. As long as I resent him for his infidelity, I feel I am justified for staying in love with another man. The longer I stay watching him sleep, the more I feel so powerless. I used to love him so so so much my world revolved around him. All I ever wanted was to make him happy,grow old with him,make dreams come true with him. I want so much to be in his arms again. I miss those glances that made me feel so protected,so safe. I miss the blissful revolution in my heart whenever we kissed. I miss becoming so weak, from his touches. I miss my stomach quivering whenever we held hands... I have to trust him again if I ever want to come back home to his heart. Again. Such a tall order to impose upon myself. But this the life we started building together, this where our love brought us...this is where i should stay.