Baby, I instantly thought about you, who and what you are to me when I read this:

For all of his single-minded dedication to the company he built from the ground up, Jobs actually skipped a meeting to take Laurene on their first date: "I was in the parking lot with the key in the car, and I thought to myself, 'If this is my last night on earth, would I rather spend it at a business meeting or with this woman?' I ran across the parking lot, asked her if she'd have dinner with me. She said yes, we walked into town and we've been together ever since."

I got this from this article:

9 things you didn’t know about the life of Steve Jobs

Thank you for your dedication to our love, to me, to our future. There are times when just out of the blue, I resent you and your past. But the promise of the future that I see in your eyes every time you look at me, gives me enough assurance that all of those in the past is gone and forever silent. How else could I resist the fact that you keep choosing "us" so relentlessly? I will be forever fascinated with your love, I will forever wonder how it found you and made you who you are right now. It will mold me, too. It will make me who I will be, one day soon. ..

Forgive my reluctant heart, for now just bear. There is a lot that it could give, but for some reason, whenever I try to give myself away, something in me holds back. It’s my fear of the heights, I guess. I fell once. And it was such a bad fall I am still trying to recuperate. God, how I want to be over this, already. I can’t wait to be free to soar and finally feel the wind in my face. I heard love can make one fly.

Why does it hurt so much to think of our younger beginnings? I wish there is a way where we can go back and undo things. I wish you’ve never ever thought it was such a good idea to hurt me on purpose. Now I’m finding it hard to understand love and all its simplicity. I never thought falling in love could make me so dumb I keep wondering why a rose has to wither and die.

"You should never love somebody any more than love yourself, you should never give your whole world to anybody because when they go away they take everything."

- J Reyes

"I will never hurt you." When you held my face in your hands and told me those words, I wanted to cry right away. I wanted to cry to you all the tears that you made me cry alone, so many times. There are still a lot of things that I cannot get over with, like a bird that cannot help but sing its sad refrains inside its cage.

I am still caged. And each waking moment becomes a nightmare the moment I realize that I am still alive...inside this cage. Every once in a while I feel resigned, defeated from a fight I never thought I would ever let myself into. Every once in a while I feel I deserve to be in imprisoned in this bizarre unhappiness of a life well planned.

How could you not ever hurt me? Do you really know what you're saying? Have you got what it takes to never hurt me?

I am so scared to trust those words, lest I end up free but scarred anyway.

You always say you don’t want me to cry alone. But I always do that. I have cried a thousand tears already without you having to know. There are times when I just want to shut you and the rest of the world away. Because I know there are tears that you will never understand. I don’t want to tire you away with my never ending drama. I don’t want to discourage you and fear that you will be living with someone who knows all the pain in the world and bears them like her own. A lot of times, I just feel that I am better off alone bearing these wounds.

What can you do to heal them anyway? Even you, have caused a lot of these marks in my soul. Once in a while I am faced with this temptation to just stay away and be on my own. I fear the future with you when I cannot bear to get to know your past completely so I could let go of it. Yes, the wounds you keep inflicting me is your past and it is still so alive right now I can’t help but be discouraged. I want to look to a future that is afresh with new hope and promise. Not one with the shadow of the horrific past.

How can I forget the vivid images of you loving and taking care of her? Making love to her wildly and passionately like we do now? Even more wild and freer than you are to me. How can I forget the scenes of you being a husband to her that made her believe in forever? How can I ever forget the way you looked when you told me you will be crying out in the rain if she will leave you? Do you think I can forget the dreamy look in your eyes when you told me how you declared you’re marrying her?

All these, and a lot more nightmares I deal with almost every night. Plus a lot more other pains our present prison causes me every day. I am so tired. I want to end this and start on my own. Between a future with you with your past and a future alone with a new hope, I choose the latter. I’d rather be alone and lonely. It’s easier to deal with than be with you and your elaborate past.

If only you can let me go. If only we can at least try. I am so tired of fighting for us already. I just want to give up and make them all happy. I am slipping. And I am scared. I know I asked you never to let go of us whenever I am like this. But right now, I am just feeling all so tired. Here is this feeling once again, this strange yet familiar feeling of wanting to just run away from everything, from everyone. I want to run up a hill, a mountain, till I get to the top. And then there I could breathe again...

What has become of me? I am so lost.

Dear God,

I’m so scared. Have mercy and forgive me for screwing up my life. Have mercy and forgivve me.I don’t know what to do anymore. I cannot look back. There is nothing to look back to.

I want to move on. Just move on and embrace a life ahead. But how? I am so tired. I’m sorry. I know I am the one to blame for all this. What will I do? I am happy with N. You can see that. And he is happy with me. More than happy. We are miserable with our respective spouses. What do we do?

Right now I am just tired. And discouraged. Is there a world out there for us? I want to slump in your arms. I want to feel safe and rested. I miss the warmth of your embrace. I miss those days when all I did was trust in you and not think of anything else but to love you …

Have mercy and forgive me … I have gone astray…

You took me away from my husband. When we started doing it, almost instantly I could not do it with him anymore. Today is our anniversary, and I am here with you, leaving away everything. You made me believe so many things. Obligation? You said sleeping with her is just an obligation? So did you have fun recording your videos? So it’s just an obligation? You had fun taking those photos of her holding your penis? For a year that I didn’t sleep with my husband anymore, you also had full year of exciting bedtime stories with her. I cannot look at a future with you in it. I cannot live with some more lies and deception. I’ve gone through all that with my husband already. I cannot let myself go through it all over again. I am right, I am not supposed to be with any man at all. Men are for playing around. They’re not for keeps.

Who are you anyway? What are you? I have been placed on a pedestal. And I got bored in there. Are you doing the same to me? You putting me up there, treating me like a princess, while you’re down here living your pretty little lies? How much more hurt do you plan to inflict on me? You have such a very colourful, exciting past. I cannot contend with it. I cannot anymore.

Don’t fool me by saying you don’t like her. We have the evidence. I have nothing but loathing for your lies. You weave lies so intricately. Rather than wait for the day that you will once again look for someone else to play with, I will end here. You don’t deserve me.