road up ahead

The other night I was talking about getting a divorce abroad, living a new life there, and getting married again. He resented it. He said that simply shows that he is not enough. He said it hurts him every time I talk about moving on with my own life.

But is there any other way for me? Clearly I cannot have him for myself. If my own marriage isn’t working, and if I choose to move on, I still wouldn’t be free to choose to be with him. He is making me happy. He is enough, more than enough for me. I can live a life of obscurity and still feel so complete and contented, as long as we’re together. But by ‘together’ I mean ‘us’. Just ‘us’. And that cannot be possible in any way.

Until when can we stay this way? Thinking about each other all the time, wanting, desiring. going out discreetly once in a while to try and stave off our hunger for each other. And back to our own separate lives by the end of each day…

He wants me to stick around. For things to be the way they are right now. Many times he would say ‘till I grow old’… Indeed I want us to grow old together. Indeed I would be happy to look forward to older years, when we would be smiling over these present pains, when we will still be sharing the same thoughts, same dreams, same wants, all the stupid, silly coincidences that have brought us together.

I wonder will they ever make sense…

Let me let you go

How do I let you go? How do I start walking away without my heart fading from each step? How do I forget the magic of your kisses? The spell of your touch? How do I stop thinking about you, and seeing your face everywhere? How should I stop the tears from flowing?

It would be almost a year since I started crying from the pain of knowing you. Yes, because more than the ephemeral bliss of our stolen moments, is the almost permanent pain of knowing we can never be able to love freely. Aching, throbbing, agonizing pain. Sometimes I get too weak from it I keep wishing to die. Yes, I’d rather die a thousand deaths than having to live my life over again and find you there. You see, having found you means a future of loneliness and pain. Once in a while, I am tempted to curse the day that I met you. It showed me how falling in love with a wrong person can cause a recurring nightmare. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

But I know I can still turn my life around. I know there is still somewhere inside me where I can find my lost ability to hope. I want to learn again, how to be happy. Without depending it on someone. I cannot continue to depend my happiness on you. I cannot keep expecting you to count the stars for me. I cannot keep believing we have the same story for each rainfall. Once in a while I’m thinking I just got too bedazzled to feel and believe otherwise.

I know I cannot stop loving you, though. You’ve become part of my life, in ways that I can never allow anyone else to experience. What you’ve seen, what you’ve touched, what you’ve experienced, everything you’ve become familiar with. Each scent, sound, even the response, the furtive silence, the delightful confusion that covers it all. Those were only for you, because you discovered them for yourself.

I don’t think someone else can find me the way you did.

That makes me too scared to go. Too scared to at least try to turn around and look the opposite road ahead. You said we need not go our separate ways. But how possible could that really be? Do you honestly believe we can go along the same path without destroying each other?

intoxicated

He likes to ask me questions. Am alright? Did I like what he did? What do I prefer? Did I miss him? Did I think of him? With whom I’m with? A guy or a girl? Guys like that used to turn me off. A lot. I didn’t like men who are too eager to please, to jealous, too insecure, too unsure of themselves. But with him, it’s different. Whenever he asks me things, whenever he’s too eager to please me, whenever he starts acting like an insecure boyfriend, I soak it in like I would in a milk bath. It’s so nourishing my heart feels ages healthier. But that’s the same reason why I never give him answers that he would like. Or at least I just give him part of my real answers. Because I do not want him to indulge in the pleasure of knowing how such a great lover he is. What good will it do to us, anyway? Ours is something only done in the dark, it doesn’t deserve to be cultivated and nurtured like a rose. What if it blooms to its fullest? What then?

This afternoon he called me up in the office. It startled me. For heaven’s sake only my husband calls me in my office landline. And it’s not as if he’s my boyfriend where I could openly get mushy with him over the phone. I wanted to say how good it was to hear his voice. I wanted to say I missed him terribly, even if it was only yesterday when we went out. I wanted to ask would he be free for a cup of coffee. I thought it was insane for him to make that call. My heart wanted to come out of my mouth. Because no matter how insane it was for him to do that, it made me happy. Even just for a moment.

Just for a moment. My heart bleeds at the reality staring at me in the face. I could never have him in my life forever. Never. I could never have his heart, all of it, for myself.

How I love him already. So much I cannot think of a future without him in it. I’ve never felt something like this in my life. But it pains me to think how something so beautiful can be so potent. It kills me to think how such feelings could cause so much suffering.

I’m scared of what pain tomorrow will bring me. I’m scared to see the road up ahead, where he will not be in it anymore. I’m scared to be so happy with him right now.

Where the angels fear to tread

Only a week ago, since we last went out. Only a week ago, and it seemed eternity...of waiting, of longing, of wanting...only a week ago, since we decided to give halting a try. He seemed determined. I was the one too scared to make the next step. He said I inspire him to be strong.

Only a week ago, and today we are back in each others arms, doing our blissfully filthy deed in the name of love. What kind of love, anyway? Or is it love, at all? I cannot conceive of it still, no matter how much deeply I feel it in my heart, no matter how tenaciously my thoughts hold on to his memory, whenever we are apart.

Over the phone he told me how much he missed me over the holidays. I could hear the emotions in his voice, so frightfully enchanting. Yet again, I refuse to indulge in it. I refuse to believe anything that he's saying, especially when he is so highly-sexed.

But once again, I gave in. What strength would I have for such a man who named my soul so well. I gave in, in spite of my own fears, I closed my eyes and abandoned myself to his spell, to his wanting.

And now I am back again curled up like an aborted fetus in a glass jar. Lifeless, demented, forever gone, forever lost. If only there is a way where I will not lose part of myself each time I give myself to him. If only there is a way where we can love each other without wanting each other even so much more.

Because there is no other way. I shall somehow be the one to go. This time.

Where I Should Stay

I watch them fast asleep aftr a pillow fight. My son, so oblivious to the storm I've been trying so hard to pacify for him. My husband, bearing my indignation I've been pathetically trying to hold on to. As long as I resent him for his infidelity, I feel I am justified for staying in love with another man. The longer I stay watching him sleep, the more I feel so powerless. I used to love him so so so much my world revolved around him. All I ever wanted was to make him happy,grow old with him,make dreams come true with him. I want so much to be in his arms again. I miss those glances that made me feel so protected,so safe. I miss the blissful revolution in my heart whenever we kissed. I miss becoming so weak, from his touches. I miss my stomach quivering whenever we held hands... I have to trust him again if I ever want to come back home to his heart. Again. Such a tall order to impose upon myself. But this the life we started building together, this where our love brought us...this is where i should stay.