I wish there is a way where pains heal overnight. I have endured too many a long night, I can almost feel my heart fading. The more that you insist yourself on me, the more that I am scared to melt in your arms. The more that you promise me you would take care of me, the more that I think of the days when you failed to do it.

Yes, I love you. But I hate you just the same. For hurting me too much many times before that it has changed me forever. Now, I cannot turn away from you and I find it all too unfair. You’ve turned your back on me so easily, but now why couldn’t I do just the same?

Why could love justify everything so easily? It just doesn’t make sense.

It’s the first time that I heard him say he’s willing to leave everything for me. Emotions swelled inside of me: happiness, fear, doubt, excitement. Is he really that serious in saying that? Is he really that in love with me? Does he really want me that bad? Isn’t it just a temporary madness? A passing fancy? Would I be willing to do just the same for him?

He is all that I want. Despite my seemingly cool, unaffected ways sometimes, the truth is, I am just as crazy in love with him, every minute every second of the day. I want to think it would it be enough to leave everything for him. How could this feel so right when it is so actually wrong?

If I run away with him, I’m pretty sure I would be happy. But I’m not sure what kind of happiness it would be, if all the rest of the world would scorn us. Would he remain strong and faithful and devoted in spite of all the odds we will be facing?

Last night I ran away from the world. And he stayed by me. Everyday, especially during the times when we’re alone naked in each other’s arms, everything is always still so surreal. He is a reality I never expected I would be holding. We are so perfect for each other. We know just what to do to please the other. Couldn’t it be more tragic to feel so illegally romantic all the time?

If he lets me go…

I can start anew. I will be broken. But I can start anew.

I cannot trust anymore. That’s a new disease I’ve acquired. I cannot give myself away anymore. At least not completely.

I want to break free. I don’t want to be bound with promises and hopes and wanting to belong. Falling in love has brought me pains, more than joys when it’s supposed to be. How can love justify the tear-stained pillows every night?

I wonder what I will get out of the one month that I’ve given him. Definitely I am not hoping for anything anymore. I’m scared of being failed. Then again, this should be a team effort as he calls it…I don’t think I still have it, anyway. To endure? To fight against myself? To choose what is right? What are those things, anyway?

I would rather, that he hates me. That he gives up on me and our so-called love. It will just keep hurting me.

I guess I can only bleed so much…