I do not even know what to write anymore. I can't even write in the journal, not being able to hold the pen steadily. Natubuan na ko guro nerbyos. Wala na untat kurog akon mga unod. Indi naman ko kabalo mag think. Daw nag gaga na ko. Daw nag tanga. Wala kaon, wala tulog, hibi lang nga hibi. Ngaa amo gid ni ka sakit. Ngaa amo gin ni ka scary. Ngaa amo gid ni ka uncertain. Ngaa kinanglan ko gid mag decide? Tani indi lang. Tani things will die a natural death na lang. Why do I feel like it's all on me, all the time? Why do I feel nga kong ma give up na ko, amo na na ang katapusan ta? Why do I feel like wala ka gid ya sang himuon pa para sa aton nga duha? What has become of our love? What has become of you? Tama na nga justify if not deny sang mga nagkalatabo. We both know what was that about. You can insult me all you want sang sobra ko nga ka alam, sang sobra ko nga ka dalum. But put yourself in my shoes. You know what was that about. Daw mapatay ko. Paminsaron ko lang nga lain ka gali nga tawo daw malagyo ko. Gusto ta ka sakiton. Gusto ta ka balusan. After all this time, ako imo gina akusahan. Ako imo gina imbentuhan sala. After all this time??? Tuod gali ang mga istorya parte sa imo?? Ngaa amo ka na? Yes, for me right now, amo ka na kalain. Wala ka labot sa resulta sang himuon mo, basta you do as you please. Kamo lang nga duha sa balay, wala tawo nga iban. Tapos matupad ka pungko sa bangko? Wala ka na da ya e rason pa nga iban. It will just make you look like a total fool. You know what was that about. Who are you? What kind of monster are you? I told this too many times na. Last na to ang kay Buding. Sobra na. This time wasak wasak na gid ko ya. Indi ko kaya batunon nga kinanglan na ko mag desisyon. Indi ko kaya batunon nga diri ma lang ta gali asta.

I thought you were the ideal man. I thought you were my prince. I thought you were almost perfect. Kasakit pinsaron nga dream lang to tanan. I wish right now maka balik ko to kag indi na ko to mag halin. Sakit sakit gid where I am right now. I need someone to rescue me and yet you cannot be that someone. You have inflicted pain on me in ways that I couldn't imagine I deserved. I strive hard to be better for you, every day. With the best that I could I give you the better version of me every day. I haven't seen it in you. I haven't seen you try. Maybe for a very minimal percent I saw you try to fight a good fight. But you never stayed that way. You became worse every day. Sakit sa dughan nga wala ko gali sang may mahimo para sa imo. Maybe I should stay away from you basi pa lang you will be better without me. You were the best that you were with your wife. I saw that. And that's what made me admire you. Responsible, great provider, focused, mature, confident, patient, humble. With me, you became worse. Even worst version of yourself.

Nakapoy na ko mag palangga sa imo. Mas kapoy ka pa palanggaon sang sa hari. I can now say that for a fact. Wala ko kasalapo pareho sa imo ka difficult nga tawo, nga ikaw pa may sala, ikaw pa isog, ikaw pa biktima. Mas mayo pa tamaran nga salaguron nga wala lang gapanghilabot. Ikaw ya, wala ka iban gina hilabtan kundi ako, imbentuhan mo ko sala, bantayan mo tanan nga malain sa akon, and yet wala mo gina lantaw ang mga ginahimo ko nga maayo para sa imo. I do not know you. Who are you???