where to next?

Two more secret trysts, and we finally mustered the much needed valor to talk about letting go. A week ago, when we went out, he instantly dozed off in my arms. It didn’t bother me, as it would usually do to a woman. I wanted that chance to ponder until when will I be able to stand loving him in fragments? I wanted to hold that moment forever in my heart, him breathing the after-sex lethargy into my chest. I was getting used to his scent, his touches, the glances that gets my blood going. I was getting used, and getting scared at the same time. Too scared to be happy with him.

And yeah…the other day. It was supposed to be our last escapade. He said he couldn’t keep giving me the kind of love that destroys me. “I don’t know if you could ever forgive me for destroying you like this.” I started crying. I knew we were reaching that part of the journey where we need to stop and decide which way to go next. In my case, he was asking me to go back. I broke down again, saying I’ve gone a long, long way already I would be scared to go back.

I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I cried no end, feeling so perennially scared.

The following day he dropped by my workplace and we talked inside his car. He said we’re not letting go, we’re just changing route. He showered me with assurance that he’s not going away ever again, that I got him, that I have him, that we’re in this together.

That’s a lot of comfort for now. I do not know what kind of tears will I cry again tomorrow, or tonight. I do not know where all this is leading me. I do not even know how I should trust his words. Too scared to ever do that again. “Would you believe me if I tell you how much I love you?” I said no. “But will you give me chance to prove it?”

I hope he proves it. I so direly want him to prove it. Even if I should let go, I only need to know we’re here for a reason.

DISCONSOLATE

I am fuming mad. It’s been a week since we last hung out, and even then I was just pretty cool about that. Started to get used to the idea that soon enough we’re going to slow down, halt, and eventually stop. But he was the one persistently flirting and suggesting a next rendezvous. Of course that got me geared up once again. Since this morning we were already sort of finalizing our meeting after office. I went out much earlier, strolled in the mall, sat down and read the book I was going to give to him as a Christmas present, strolled around again, sat down and waited. Only to get a text from him saying he need to meet wifey that needed a ride home.

I knew I was literally turning red because I felt my blood burning and rushing up my face. I felt so dejected. I felt miserable because I couldn’t do anything about the situation, anyway. It’s not as if I didn’t know he’s married. I sent him a couple of messages ranting and all I got as a reply was: “Please bear with me…” His callousness is really getting into my nerves. He only pays attention to me whenever he’s horny. But really, do I mean anything to him. He cannot even give time just to check out this blog I started about him. He’s written a couple or so items on his own site, and they’re all about the lust that he feels for me.

I guess I only needed to keep getting hurt this way, so I can muster enough strength to finally let him go. I can keep hanging out with him, even if there’d be no sex anymore, I swear. I can love him like that. I know I can. But if he’s only there for me just for the sex, I don’t think I can stay forever giving such “favors”. He’s already making me feel like a real slut.

Now that I know he's with his family, I feel like sending him a text, or call him relentlessly. I feel like doing something really stupid and bad, like blowing his covers. I feel like living up to my present slutty status.

And right now I just feel so so so sorry for myself.

What have I become so far, out of loving him?

distract me?

I was talking to one of my two therapists over the weekend. After intently listening to me for an hour, crying, ranting, and gulping in some tonic, he told me “You know what, I think you don’t need a husband in the first place. You need an intellectual partner…and a sexual partner.”

I was struck by that. That made me think more and frustrate myself more, anyway. But I am willing to look into that possibility. I am hoping to get some answers in the next few days.

I went to hole up somewhere for the full two days. I regretted not having my laptop with me, but nevertheless it was a great help not being able to write anything while in that wilderness. It allowed me time to breathe in the breeze. The smell of the sugarcane field hushed my battered resolve. I cannot really say that it helped to gain back my tenacity, but at the least, it made me rest in the knowledge that I still have it in me to live the next 10 minutes of my life. I had the temptation of texting him, but the signal was intermittent. It didn’t piss me off, like it would usually do. I thought that should spare me from disappointment. He likes to snub me especially on weekends when he’s busy with wifey and daughter.

I went back to the hassle and bustle and showed up at a party I initially turned down. There's something in the gaudy world that muffles my faint cries. They all wowed at my little black dress, silver shoes, and red toenails. If not for the disturbing eye bags, they said Alessandra de Rossi could move over. I drank in all their lurid attention like a witch downing a concoction of a magic spell. I think I should try and go out more often.

I need some distraction.

SKIRMISH

what are we?

Is he an asshole for sleeping with his friend and colleague's wife? Am I such a slut for sleeping with my husband's friend and colleague?

The more that I dissect this the more that I'm getting deeper into the murky waters.

TORMENT

A few minutes ago I got a call from my mother. Uncle who molested me is back in town. For good. I do not know what to feel. Just the other day I had nightmares of myself strangling him till he’s blue. I cry thinking about his sinister smiles, the way he would look at me. Mother said he’s old, frail, sickly, so they took him in to take care of him.

My end of the line was dead with my silence. Nothing left for me to say.

Let Go

How do I let go? Do I really need to let go? Why should I let go?


I have wings to fly. But they're fragile, flimsy, delicate. Would I be able to fly high and far enough?

qualms

Two days ago we were out again to our secret den. I learned his wife is pregnant. Condition is kinda delicate, so it means no sex for him, "till she gives birth," he says. It somehow stung my heart, thinking about the obvious implications to me being there, always ready for a good lay. I kept asking him, "What am I to you right now?" He wouldn't look at me, he wouldn't give any sensible answer. "I don't know, a concubine, maybe..."

The last time we hung out, he told me he wanted me to be his concubine forever, and that it will take a "very, very long time" for him to get over his attraction to me. "As long as you look like that, as long as you talk like that..."

But this time, he seemed to insinuate a halt to our frequent meetings. I asked him to elaborate and he said, "you want me to say it without crying?" He said he's learned to love me enough to want to see me happy with my life and not screwing it up.

At first it pained me, thinking I've already served my purpose, anyway. I've already quenched his desires, fulfilled his fantasy. He's got me already. There's nothing left to discover. There's nothing left to say. After all, I only appeared to him as highly-sexed, exciting, smart wife to his friend... "but what will it profit me to have you? Don't you think you're too much risk?" he told me while I was crying, the first time we did the gory deed. "but you are worth all that risk."

I do not know how to believe him. Ours is not a normal relationship. No commitments. No obligations. "Everything between us must be voluntary," he would say. So what we have is like a bubble floating in the air. We do not have any solid foundations. That's why we are both insecure. We are both scared and shy to ask for what we want. I am pretty sure he, too, got his own qualms, even fears. I wish he would tell me. I wish I would know of his fears. I wish he would ask me to say more. I wish he would listen.

I wish he would ask me to stay.

Then again, would I stay? Will I know how?

Which path to take

Wrote this three years ago... it just got worse, since then...clearly I've been dealing with such loneliness and isolation for years. And the road ahead is so so so long I just constantly feel weary and scared. I have to make my decision final, later if not sooner.

I am reading The Road Less Travelled by Sott Peck. It's quite an amazing book, telling me things I already know but I always forget. I am now along the 'Love' chapter and I am learning a lot. I am starting to understand my own everyday angst.

When I fell in love with my husband, I thought he would be someone I would be sharing everything with -- all my thoughts, feelings, dreams, fantasies. Everything. When we got married, I even got my hopes higher and higher, especially when he would spoil me and shower me with his attention. But two years to the marriage and a 7-month-old kid, all my hopes sometimes dwindle, seem elusive. We have grown farther apart. I don't know how that happened. All I know right now, is that, we both have left each other out in the cold. Reaching out seems to be more and more difficult job, everyday. There are some needs that are not met. Emotional and sexual for the most part. I know that, I can feel that, I am aware of that. But I don't know what to do.

I want to stay in love with him. I don't want us to drift apart and let things wither without doing anything. I want to keep loving him. But these days, I find it hard to do that. I am so full of resentments, so full of words unsaid in my heart and they are building up. I always find myself wishing for someone else. And I hate that. I don't want any of that. I want to stay faithful to him. All I do right now is try and remember that day when I said my vow to him before God, that Day of February 14, 2004. Somehow it is helping. Somehow.

hello void

My brain is an ocean of thoughts. Oftentimes I keep them to myself as I don't trust others to understand what I think about, or feel for that matter. Keeping it to myself means writing them down in a journal, enjoying the catharsis of it, reading them again later, and learning from my own foibles.

Is someone reading me? Is someone out there feeling the same array of emotions I've been struggling with? I wish to know. This total silence is too frightful for me right now. At least for now. I'm throwing this collection into the internet bin. I wish some hankering emotional ragamuffin would rummage through this and find me. All the crazy thoughts and emotions that I am. I want to know there's someone out there also lost in the forest of pains. Just want to know I'm not alone.

I'm pretty sure there is still somewhere inside me that's unharmed, not pained at all. I want to take the route back and dwell in there. There's a time in my life, when I lived without him in my life. I want to go back to that time, just so I won't be too dependent on him all the time.

I hate having to feed on other people's happy emotions. I have to strive to be happy again, all by myself. Without the aid of some false comforts. That's just plain pathetic.

I guess I will have to start from scratch, yet again. I'm gonna make it this time.

WHAT'S YOUR MILLION YEARS?

"I'm not just some kind of a whore to you, am I?"

"You're not...Not in a million years..."

...But I feel like I am, whenever we go out, go straight to the action in some dark, discreet rendezvous, and he would have to drop me off quickly after that. Nothing worse than a wham-bam-thank-you-mam after-sex upshot, for a woman who's so into his man.

The other week we spent a couple of hours by that shore, just talking and kissing a bit. But mostly talking. It was way more gratifying for me, than perhaps a hundred quickies in bed. But I do understand him, our situation. As much as I would want to sulk and demand, I know I will have to understand and consider these little inconveniences.

Until when? I do not know. I can either stop now, while I still can, or just allow myself to get lost in the present moment, learn from it later. I am inclined to consider the latter. I can't seem to get enough of him...at least not yet. I think about him all the time, well, most of the time. And I automatically heat up every time. It's like there's a push button in my brain that connects his name to my vasopressin and oxytocin supply...funny, but that's how raw and primal it always goes.

I want him right now. I don't want to think of the days to come. They will come, I know. But I am just weary of it...Will I have strength to say no later? Should I be the first to say no? Or is he just waiting for me to say no? Will he get tired of me? Will he go get another new girl soon enough?

Not in a million years...does that mean forever? How?

WISH

I know it is foolish to live in 'what-ifs'. But lately I have been doing that. What-ifs mean regrets. They can mean cowardice. They can mean resignation. But right now, in the hope of salvaging myself from the rubble I have let myself into, I want to believe that living in 'what-ifs' could also mean ability to dream, to hope for what is beautiful, for what is desirable. For what can make me happy.

I cannot blame anyone for the mistakes I have made, and keep making. Furthermore, I cannot loathe myself for these mistakes. They are essential for my growth, they will enrich me later. I know later will come.

But right now, I continually feel so scared for my indiscretions. And I have to put up a face, everyday, as I have always did ever since I was a little girl. Why do I always need to be brave? Why should I always try to fight off my tears? Crying shouldn't be illegal. Causing someone to cry, is a crime.

I wish I were the Little Princess for the Little Prince. I would tag along as he would make his expedition. Together we will wander and wonder. Then understand.

I wish I made as much mistakes as I could while growing up. I wish I had the permission to mess around -- always -- while I was little. Right now I'm old enough to make such a mess in my life.

I wish I were a high school girl once again. I would be kind to that classmate who gave me flowers. I wouldn't mash it right in front of him.


I wish I knew what love really was before I got married. I wouldn't feel so trapped right now. I wish I knew I had wings. I would have flown to so many places, I would have flown some more. I would have found you.

You're the Right Kind of Wrong

CRUSH

I fantasized him for months. I thought he's the only guy I was going to fantasize forever, apart from my husband. I was greatly mistaken...

RANT

I must admit I am not too brave after all. I’ve been trying, for the past days, to maintain my composure, but to no avail. I am shattered to pieces, what I did is staring back at me. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror anymore. When I see my own eyes, they pore over my soul. Something has changed. I do not know myself anymore. I do not love myself anymore, like I thought I did. I hate myself to the core. I think I just gave birth to another one of my own demons. And I am scared like hell. And you’re not there for me. You cannot be there for me. You will not be there for me. I feel so used. I feel so abused. I feel so abandoned. Have you ever been lost in the forest at night? I wish you have, so that you will understand me right now and what I’m trying to say. Please don’t make me regret I ever trusted you – again. You know what I exactly feel right now? I just want to die. I just want to end this all. I wish I am brave enough to do it. I just hate myself so much I feel so trapped inside. Sometimes I feel I am talking too much already my words lose their meaning to you.

I grew up molested. I can recall very vaguely…there was something shoved inside me. Something rough. And yet some other things. I remember looking forward to it. I can remember there were mornings when I would wake up sore in between my legs. Discomfort in peeing. I can recall waking up at the wee hours, going down the stairs, to the gnawing darkness below, feeling very scared, but not stopping anyway… I recall playing alone with my rug doll, in the dark bedroom, crying to her. I can recall asking myself why I was crying to the doll. I can clearly recall, hiding behind the door, and playing with myself. I was 5. It’s not normal for a 5-year-old girl to be doing that. I can recall my cousin, showing me a photo. One woman, two men. All naked. They’re doing something horrible to the woman. Pulling her hair, pennies to her mouth, and another one to her ass. It was revolting. I can remember going to the bathroom after that, and examining myself, as if I was that woman. I can remember clearly rummaging through a cabinet, wanting to take a look at the photo again. I found out so much more of those… When I was 6, I can remember wishing and wanting so much to grow up fast. Indeed there was something unpleasant in being a little girl. When I reached high school, I would wake up all sweaty. Was it a dream? A huge hand touching me? It seemed so real I could feel the warmth of the hand in between my thighs. That dream came and went…and came and went…was I just molested? Or was something even more terrible was done to me? Was it too painful that my young mind chose to shut down that part of my memory? I want to know. I want so desperately to remember so I can make peace with that little lost, angry, confused girl. Why did I grow up not liking myself at all? Why did I grow up never knowing how to freely receive love? Now I do not even know how to give it properly either.

Even as an adult, married and all, I still experience abuse. I feel I’m good for nothing – at least for the members of the opposite sex. I’ve always thought I’m over it already. But apparently not. Each time I experience rejection, I am the molested little girl once again I hate men. I resent their existence. As long as they exist, I feel I am continually broken, and threatened. . I flirt my way to gain control over them. I enjoy dominating a conversation with them. I get turned on watching someone ogling at me like a stupid dog.

But I want to be healed. I want myself out of this bondage. I wish there is a way for me not to feel too sexual all the time. Sometimes I feel so highly sexed I get scared of myself.

I wish I can love you without burning inside. It’s crippling me. It steals away my reason. It confuses me no end. Your presence in my life has opened up the wounds of the past for me. But right now, I just want to hope there would be something else better, why you came along. I want to believe God sent you my way for a greater purpose. I wish you can at least hold my hand. Right now. I just need to know you’re there. I will rise from this rubble. I promise. Just be here.

SOMETHING IN THE DARK

It's beckoning me...I want you there, too...

A FISH OUT OF THE WATER

That's how I feel these days. The uncertainty between us is killing me. As much as I would want to ask certain things from him, I cannot. As much as I would want to expect him to be what I would want us to be, I am not free to do so. I am gripped with fear, that after giving myself away to him, I'm losing him forever. If only I can fully trust and believe everything that he says, then I won't have any regrets at all. Giving myself to him is a bliss and I want it to be that way forever. It's something sort of a bond between us, something that cannot be taken away. But why is it making me feel so sorry for myself these days?

When I gave myself to him, my soul went along...I hope it's not something he will forget easily. How was it for him anyway? I hope it's not just one of the things that caught his fancy, along his way. I hope it was more than that, those few stolen moments. It was not something short of a bargain for me. It was a part of myself which I will lose to him forever...

JUST CAN'T STOP

I can't stop writing. Because I can't stop thinking. The more I think about what's been happening lately, the more that I want to write. Here, in the dark, in the secret of my heart, in my kind of existence unknown to others, I write, and talk about him. Just him. He is enough inspiration. My mind overflows with words and thoughts, real but unfortunately forbidden.

All I could think of is this madness. One moment, I'd wish this would never end. The next minute I'd snap back to my senses and consider a resolve. A lot of times I feel so damn stupid catching myself dreamy with thoughts of him. If only I can indulge in it freely. If only there is not a fence in between us.

I hope we can still be friends one day. I actually fear it won't happen at all. Why, with our relationship covered in lies and deception? Nevertheless, he is positive about it. He says this time, he won't disappear again, ever. And that we'd stick around till we grow old and gray.

I'd like to believe him...

KEEP YOU?

My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit. ~ Jerry Hall

OVER ME

He can dominate me. That’s what makes him so different from the others I have got to know with. Not even my husband can tame me. But I can see that he can. He does. He tries to. And I can see myself submitting to his will, bearing his indiscretions, his blunders, his callousness. I have never known someone as stubborn as him, stubborn enough not to be controlled by my girlish qualms or my medieval pains. He can charm his way in, with his sly smiles and tilted head, he can find his way out. He simply refuses not to be enamored by what we have between us. He keeps wanting for more, and I am enslaved with the thrill of it all.

I guess that’s the main reason why I have fallen this crazy. I have finally found someone who I can allow to rule over me. If only…

But I am keeping my grounds… I cannot actually be the whimpering damsel to him, as much as I would wish to be. I cannot even be a slave of any kind to him. I cannot serve him as much as I could. I cannot take care of him the way that I can. I cannot freely say anything, any adulation, any reassurance… I cannot. I won’t.

I am a bird in the cage. I have sturdy wings with me but I cannot make use of them. If only he has the capacity to open wide the iron bars. But he, too, is locked inside his own consequences.

till when...

These days we are making love more, talking less. I am afraid. So afraid I cannot even begin to think what if this is just all about this, after all? I am saddened to think I am more of a fucking buddy than a real friend to him. Whenever I start to think of him leaving me in the middle of the road again, I get sick in the stomach. I don’t know how else I would cope if that happens. I have given up the fight already. I have thrown in the towel. I have given myself away to him, I am still giving myself away to him, and right now I am not sure how I could muster the strength to stop giving myself away to him. I am hooked. So hooked I find it hopeless.

Until when? Until he gets too familiar with me? Until he gets tired of me? Until there’s nothing left to discover about me? Until when will he stay? Until when can he stay? Till his own guilt will take its toll? And desires wouldn’t be enough to stick around anymore?

WHAT ABOUT HAPPINESS?

A woman's heart must be of such a size and no larger, else it must be pressed small, like Chinese feet; her happiness is to be made as cakes are, by a fixed recipe.

George Eliot

MISSING YOU

Like water in water, my days will flow in yours...

Suspended no more?

He showed up. Yet again. And this time he became the reality I've been wishing he would be. But I didn't know he would be this frightening. Had I known, I would endured dying without seeing him. Now I'm happy. But scared, and continually guilty. Insecure, too, needless to say.

It's still all so surreal. The first kiss, it was awkward, but sweet. I was quivering when he pulled away. I was consumed with desire days following that. Till I became too foolish enough to go with him and finally bring an end to our longings. I regret everything. I hate myself for giving in. It's not that I didn't want it. I do. In fact I can't have enough of him. But that's the main reason why I simply regret for allowing him to finally have me. Because I know I will never have him, all of him.

Right now I am in the middle of the road. No signposts whatsoever. It's getting dark. I'm scared.

GROPING

where are you? amidst all this present darkness, this present pain, where are you? i can still here the echoes of your promises. you did say you will never leave me. you did say you wanted to be there for me, and that you will be there for me. you did say you care for me. a lot. you did say you want me. you did say i meant so much to you. i need them now, i need those words. i need those reassurance.

i need you.

but why can't i freely open up myself to you, friends should be free to do that. why do i feel like you will dislike me if i start acting like a damsel in distress? i want you to be my knight in shining armour. haven't you realized that? what's wrong with being friends anyway? you can care for me, still. you can love me, still.

your desire for me shouldn't bring me pain. it shouldn't keep you away from a beautiful friendship. why must things change? why do they have to change? why are you abandoning me again. you promised me i would never lose you. and you made sure of that. why are you making it a habit to hurt me?

i must forget you. that's what you are trying to say. that's what you've been trying to say.

how do i do that, anyway? where do i start? could i ever do it? could i ever make it day after day? pain after pain?

are you even there? where are you?

CRYING BIRD

Why are you crying? Why have you been crying? Why can’t you stop crying? Where do you get all that sadness? All that mourning and grieving that seem to flow in you forever. Why do you constantly feel so alone, when you’re surrounded with people who dearly love you, admire you and adore you. Why do you need so much? Why do you want so much? Didn’t you once say that happiness is simple? Weren’t you once crazy over butterflies and field of lazy dandelions? How many times did you dance like crazy in the rain? Remember the nights when you laughed at the moon and called it a coward and a fool for hiding in the clouds? You were so full of life, you smiled easily, you laughed at your own foolishness. You were living! Don’t choose to die just because summer is over. And stop grieving over that sunset. It’s just a stupid sun that knows nothing but to rise and fall. You can do so much, you are more than just an audience in the ensemble of stars in the skies. Stop feeling the sadness of the world in your heart, just because there is no more sadness left in you to feel. Get up, open wide your windows, breathe in the fresh air that is lush with the smell of first June rain. That is life, that is what you needed, that is what brought you to paint your own world with bright colors of falling in love and dreaming, laughing, dancing and flying! Come on, dare fly again, there’s still so much to see…

Tomorrow, a distant past

I wait for the day to come, when all you will be to me, is a distant memory. Right now, I look into my heart, and I grope for you there, in the dark. I grope for the pain, too. I could barely touch it. It is waning. I am healing. I still cry, just cry. I don't lose my breath. I don't lose my mind.

I wait for the day, when all you will be, is a faint sad song. I'll hum along with it, but I won't be familiar with the lyrics anymore.

I wait for the day, when I will forget you. Truly forget you, and all your promises.

I will remember you, yes. I will recall, perhaps, some of the good and bad times. But your voice will lose it's resonance to my heart.

That's what you want, don't you?

why mourn?

Why do you mourn, Anabelle
over withered flowers that fall?
How can you
when you are just a girl.
Young hearts should sing
colored dreams and sweet kisses.
Cry though never knowing why,
grieve for broken twigs
and dead branches.
For when you're old
you won't shed a tear
for galaxies of dead rose petals
dashed by violent rains
on mossy soil.
A smile and a tear
grow from one little seed, Anabelle,
blooms decorate your window
and you know you don't cry
for dried flowers,
but for yourself.

LOST

Tired.

I am
tired.

Of this pain
not my
own.

This should be ours
both of us
not just
me.

Why do I feel lost
here in this maze,
you're not here
with me.
Here.

Lost.
I am.
Where are you?
You said you'd stay
But where are you? Lost?

You
are lost.
Lost like me,
but are you tired?

I
am tired.
Tired and scared,
'cause you are gone.

Gone,
to chase
your own dreams.

Me?
I'm here.
Lost.

I'm over you

The hemorrhage stopped,
and wounds healing now,
the beating, normal.

Now I can look at you
straight in the eye,
straight from my heart--
stitches and all.

I may be traumatized
to feel your pride
cut through the flesh.
I may cringe
just from the thought
of you and me in the past.

Such a crime.

But it's all worth it anyway.
You're damned to be imprisoned
inside your own ignorant heart.

Life sentence.

DESPONDENT

There are days

When I just walk away.

When there’s nothing left to say,

I walk away.


Sometimes I stay

Even if I bleed, I stay.

Not because I’m a pain glutton, no.

I stay thinking that would be kinder.


But you see,

I can get tired.

I can get scared.

I can be despondent.


And so I walk away…

In spite of my latent grief

I walk away.

I never run out of questions

Only answers are elusive

And so I walk away.


From the heartache of it all,

I walk away.

Right now I wish

I could go far enough…

i want to be

SHE`S NOT THE TYPE OF GIRL TO WAIT BY THE PHONE..

SHE WONT CRY; SHE KNOWS IT'LL GET HER NOWHERE.

SHE'LL LAUGH A LOT AND OFTEN.

AND SHE'LL LIVE HER OWN LIFE..

SHE'D LIKE YOU TO BE A PART OF IT..

BUT SHE'LL DO JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU...

STAY?

Off to the land so far,
I try to dance
under the mirth of the stars.
While my heart freezes
to the coldness of your own,
you steal the liberty
I once have known.

How can I not long
to fly yet again,
when all I hear in your song
is a descending refrain?
How can I not learn
to despise the truth
of knowing you?
Now I am both scared
to stay
or to let go.

MUCH ADO ABOUT LOVE

Love is physiologic. Because the body and mind are a unit, bound together via messenger molecules. The blushing, the butterflies in the stomach, the knees turning jelly, are undeniable proof. Primarily, everything is a mental event, and then messages are transmitted though the heart -- believed to be the seat of all emotions.

I believe that love only becomes spiritual when there's a true commitment involved; when one is willing to deny himself for the welfare of someone he loves; when eternity doesn't become scary, but something to be excited about; when reason starts to defy understanding.

Well, this is somewhat complicated. Love per se. That's why we sometimes refuse to admit that we're in love because we always fear the things that we don't understand.

But is love really something to be understood? As for me I tried it so many times -- dissecting it, analyzing it. I didn't end up to be a love expert, though. I only got close to wanting to enter hermitage.

"When you live in your heart, magic happens." I read this somewhere and it instantly brought me to my younger days when falling in love brought me to a fairytale land, and love was a magic wand that made everything possible.

I want to live in my heart again. I want to experience love both physiologic and spiritual. I have to work my way back to that fairytale land, work my way back to being a happy person -- thinking less, loving more.

If I cannot do that soon, I might as well order myself a coffin.

I AM APATHY

Emotions are lies. Deception is reality. I am done believing we can stay the same. Pain has changed me. I used to think I was addicted to pain. But how wrong I was. I didn't really know what pain was, until I met you. Many thanks. You taught me well.

Stop telling me anything. I've had enough of your sweet talks. Stop giving me those crap called love. It is one great lie. I am apathy. Even just for the moment. If that could protect me from further pain, why not.

One day, I will be completely over, I would have learned the ropes. Perhaps I will love again. But by then, I would have seasoned my own understanding of it. I will rule love. It won't rule me. That's just the way it would be. I can never run away from it, crap as it is. It tastes so bitterly sweet I'm sure I would want to lick on it once in a while. But that would only be for my own pleasure. Not for anything else. Not for anybody else. Not for you. Never.

That's the way I now know, I'm suppose to treat men. They shouldn't be taken seriously. They should still be respected of course, even if they fucking don't know what the word means at all.

It was nice hearing your voice today. I felt an unfamiliar surge of excitement. Definitely not longing or anything of that sort. I think the kind of excitement a serial killer feels watching his victim bleed to death.

See you around the bend. Just make sure you stay on your side of the road. I'm not a good driver.

Why Should I Cry For You

By: Sting

Under the dog star sail
Over the reefs of moonshine
Under the skies of fall
North, north west, the stones of Faroe

Under the Arctic fire
Over the seas of silence
Hauling on frozen ropes
For all my days remaining
But would north be true?

All colours bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting on empty seas
For all my days remaining

But would north be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless falling,
For all my days remaining,

What would be true?

Sometimes I see your face,
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
That, "I loved you in my fashion"?

What would be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?

YOU ARE MY SWEETEST DOWNFALL

"Doth I Protest Too Much"

I'm not threatened, by every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women, it's just a thing called guy
I don't notice your side ways glances or where your loyalty lies
I'm secure and out of me, it's hard to get a rise

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
Doth I protest too much?

I'm not tortured by how oft your busy, Cause I've got things to do
I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss you me, cause I don't need you to

I'm not needy
I don't get clingy much
I'm not scared
I'm not afraid as such
I'm not dependent
Rock solid, stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

So much energy to prove to you
Who I can't possibly be
So much energy to prove to you
I'm not who you hate for me to be

I'm not saddened
And I don't miss you
Cause I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover
Cause I have a new lover too

I'm not depressed
I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent
I am not dark as such
I'm never sad
Keep Chin Up, Stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

WOUNDED AND FIERCE

I still think of you. But the tears couldn't fall anymore. That can mean the vixen has roused and ready to take revenge. That can also mean apathy, coldness, tiredness. All of the above, I guess.

You caused them, haven't you known yet? Did you even have the slightest idea how much pain you brought me?

As for apathy, coldness, tiredness, don't worry. They're only for you. I won't be apathetic about life or even love in general. I had my share of indiscretion and I learn from it. I take responsibilty for it. But to you, for you, with you...I can only be doubtful, unfeeling and just plain sick. You make me sick. You make me puke. All the deception that you are. All the sweet, pretty, enticing lies that you are. All the surgar-coated words that you are. All the fucking lust that you are.

As for revenge, I can very well do the craziest things you would never imagine that I could do, just to get even. You've never really known me, my dear. Had you known me, you could have thought twice before making up all those stupid lies.

But right now, I have to admit I am not decided yet, what to do. Just give me a while to lick on my wounds.

FRAGMENTED

I am okay. My life is okay. I function well.

Function.

Because at the end of the day, when all else has gone past asleep, I lay awake. I stare at the ceiling. I remember you. And I cry. I think of you and those brief moments we've shared over the phone. I think of every line you sent my way. How they pierce through my heart, leave me bleeding and barely breathing. Love potion.

Did you really see me? Want me? Love me? Did you really mean when you said you care for me and that I mean so much to you? How much do you really feel for me?

Even if you offered to elaborate on it, I would not let you, lest I'd believe you and I end up disillusioned.

But right now, am I not disillusioned already? It's the silence that's killing me. It's making me feel so betrayed. Even if yes, you told me it doesn't mean you care less. But can I help it? Didn't you make things possible from the start, no matter what? Then again, I am not even asking for so much. I am not in the position to ask for anything. All I want is for you to stick around.

It's complicated, I know. That's why I choose to write to myself, than tell you these things that drive me nuts. I can't understand myself. You won't understand me.

I AM

Henry James said of Eliot "She is magnificently ugly--deliciously hideous...in this vast ugliness resides a most powerful beauty which, in a very few minutes steals forth and charms the mind, so that you end as I ended, in falling in love with her."

FOOLS LIKE ME

Everybody go
The party's over
I want to be alone in my head
In my bed tonight
You never show

You must really love her
You think I don't know
But I do, yeah it's true
I think over is over

I'm right back where I started
(when it comes to wanting you)
I can't have what I wanted

[Chorus]
But I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind
If love's a drug
It always is
It always was and
Love was surely made for fools like me

I know where I'm going
I'm tripping I'm sliding around
That's ok
At least I'm excited
It wasn't how I planned it
(wasn't how I planned it
Feet are where I landed
At least I understand it now)
My feet are where I landed
(feet are staying on the ground)
[Chorus]

Fools like me
Fools like me

I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed

Maybe it's the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream
But love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools like me

LET GO

" Yeah I trust in you
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone"

Lyrics from"Let go"By Barlow Girl

IT'S STILL A LIFE SHARED TOGETHER

"Since you can never be mine ... at least we have our friendship, a life shared together."

SETTING UP FOR CRUMBS

This is what happens when you're in an affair. Well, an emotional affair actually. I am married, he is married. We have this incredible connection that is almost scary for me. Almost all roads of serendipity lead to the two of us. "We're connecting even when we're not talking." He texted me once when we sent text messages simultaneously to each other, about the same book in the Bible. The coincedences in our life are insanely too many and too frequent to handle. I guess that is what's driving me nuts. Stupid serendipity. I'm just sick and tired of it right now. Makes me too desperate for his company, for his attention, for the magic that this, I'll say it again, serendipity brings about.

What good does it bring me anyway? Nothing. Instead, it's torturing me no-end. The reality that he can never be mine. No good at all. Only makes me think and think how faraway happiness has gone from me. I have been running after it for a long time. And meeting him has only gotten me more tired of this quest. It is making me bitter, full of angst, impatient, rude. My personal life is going down the drain, I must say.

Also I haven't been praying. Because praying makes me want to please God, and that means doing what is right. RIGHT. And these days I am just not ready for it. I am addicted to N. Everything about him. He rules my memory as of the moment. Thoughts of him torment me with desire, longing, passion. I am helpless. I am desperate. I am miserable. He keeps telling me I shouldn't declare what I should be. But CAN I HELP IT?!!!! This is like a disease he himself has caused me and frankly I just hate him for that. Right now I'm thinking how he had lured me. Long before he made that first call, when we were still texting, this much I can say: he already lured me.

He doesn't accept that, of course, conveniently blaming it to fucking serendipity. 'Power of suggestion' he onced said. Plain bullshit. Whatever the reason that led him to making that call, the fact remains that it was still him who initiated everything. It was still him who enticed me. Yes, I am BLAMING. Because I want to hate him. I want to stop thinking how he must be feeling the same way towards me. I need to just snap myself back to reality so I can move on with my life.

I have always been in control of myself. I have always made things happen. I have always dealt with my monsters bravely. Right now, I'm losing it all. I'm setting up for crumbs.It's making me hate myself. And that spells trouble.

Existential Love

I USED TO THINK THAT I ALWAYS KNEW THAT I NEVER REALLY LOVED YOU
BUT NOW I'M SURE IT'S TRUE
YOU SAID YOU DID THOSE FAVORS OUT OF LOVE, I DID THEM BECAUSE I HAD
NO REASON NOT TO
SO NOW AS YOU'RE STANDING THERE IN THE RAIN
I WON'T INVITE YOU IN
I'LL MARRY YOU IF YOU WANT TO
BUT I WON'T LET YOU LIVE HERE

YOU CRY WHEN I REJECT YOU
YOU LAUGH WHEN I DON'T
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM
WHAT'S THE BIG GROPE

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO
I GUESS IT CAN BE
TO TAKE IT ALL IN CONTEXT
I GUESS I LOVE YOU EXISTENTIALLY

THAT TIME YOU SAID IT MEANT SO MUCH TO YOU THAT I SENT YOU FLOWERS
IT DIDN'T MEAN A THING TO ME
THEY WERE OUT GROWING IN MY GARDEN AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO
DO WITH THEM
SO DON'T ASK ME ANYMORE IF I LOVE YOU
BECAUSE IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN
AND DON'T YOU ASK ME WHY I DON'T
BECAUSE I WON'T, I JUST WON'T

YOU NEVER SEEM TO LISTEN
BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE
I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T GET KILLED
BECAUSE YOU'D GET BLOOD ALL OVER MY NEW SHIRT THAT I LENT YOU

JUST TO MAKE MYSELF CLEAR
IN CASE YOU CANNOT SEE
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING
BUT I LOVE YOU EXISTENTIALLY

EXISTENTIAL LOVE IS MY FAVORITE KIND
I WOULD DIE FOR YOU
BUT I HAVEN'T GOT THE TIME

EXISTENTIAL LOVE MAKES IT ALL SO CLEAR
THE WORLD IS FULL OF EMPTINESS
SO WHY ARE WE HERE

BUT TO LOGICALLY REITERATE
THAT YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE
BUT I LOVE YOU EXISTENTIALLY

1992, Chris Yelverton

The First Time I Loved Forever

Lyrics by Melanie Safka
Music by Lee Holdridge
Sung byLisa Angelle
(From "Beauty and the Beast")
With excerpts from the poem “Somewhere I Have Never
Traveled, Gladly” by the American poet E.E. Cummings

Poem:
“Somewhere I have never traveled
Gladly beyond any experience
Your eyes have their silence
And your most frail gesture of things
Which enclose me
But which I cannot touch
Because they are too near.”

The first time I loved forever
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you loved me
For the me of who I am

The first time I loved forever
I cast all else aside
And I bid my heart to follow
Be there no more need to hide

And if wishes and dreams
Are merely for children
And if love's a tale for fools
I'll live the dream with you

Poem:
“oh, if your words be to close me
I, my life will shut, very beautifully
Suddenly, as when the heart of this flower
Imagines the snow carefully, everywhere
descending”.

For all my life and forever
There's a truth I will always know
When my world divides and shatters
Your love is where I'll go

Poem:
“I do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens. Only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses.
Nobody, not even the rain has such small hands.”

goodbye for now...

Things have been happening so fast, at least for me. I don't know about you, really. You've been telling me things and just now I realize how such a high-school giggling girl I've become. So I decided to take everything you've said with a pinch of salt. Just to try ang keep myself from getting too far, at least while I can. Tomorrow I'm getting a new number. A desperate attempt, that's for sure. The fact is I can recite your number even backwards. But I can avoid you, at the least. I can prevent you from calling me now and again, whenever you feel like it, whenever you feel like getting excited.

I hate you. I hate you for making that call on the night of March 9. I hate you for coming into my life and I hate you for flirting your way into my heart. Now I am miserable. All of a sudden I lost control, skies above me suddenly has become so precarious leaving me panicking for cover.

I am so hurt and at the same time so ashamed of myself to think and hope that we can ever be friends. Such stupid naivety. What happened to the cunning, sly, fierce vixen? Or maybe I am only rushing things too much. I am rushing myself to get over this feeling and steer clear of the risks. And of the guilt, of getting broken, of regrets. I hate it all. I hate you.

The truth is, I have fallen for you. I cannot bear to feel all this blissfully weird emotions whenever we talk. Once in a while I loathe myself for desiring you, for wanting you, for giving it all up just for you, just to be with you. God, why did I even meet your eyes that first time we met. They haunt me no end. The more I squint my eyes, the more they look at me knowingly.

And so I cry it all out right now, even the tears that cannot fall. I have to make sure I leave my heart empty lest it tries to beat again. It deserves to be left barren after all the crime it has done. I just want to numb it, even for a moment. It has to come alive again only for one person it has been intended with.

I'm sorry for everything. I have been so careless, allowing myself to fall prey to some savage fantasies. I want to stand up again, that alone is dignity. As much as I don't want to trust you anymore, does that leave me with any other choice? At least, even this little secret between us will be something for me to hold dear forever.