SETTING UP FOR CRUMBS

This is what happens when you're in an affair. Well, an emotional affair actually. I am married, he is married. We have this incredible connection that is almost scary for me. Almost all roads of serendipity lead to the two of us. "We're connecting even when we're not talking." He texted me once when we sent text messages simultaneously to each other, about the same book in the Bible. The coincedences in our life are insanely too many and too frequent to handle. I guess that is what's driving me nuts. Stupid serendipity. I'm just sick and tired of it right now. Makes me too desperate for his company, for his attention, for the magic that this, I'll say it again, serendipity brings about.

What good does it bring me anyway? Nothing. Instead, it's torturing me no-end. The reality that he can never be mine. No good at all. Only makes me think and think how faraway happiness has gone from me. I have been running after it for a long time. And meeting him has only gotten me more tired of this quest. It is making me bitter, full of angst, impatient, rude. My personal life is going down the drain, I must say.

Also I haven't been praying. Because praying makes me want to please God, and that means doing what is right. RIGHT. And these days I am just not ready for it. I am addicted to N. Everything about him. He rules my memory as of the moment. Thoughts of him torment me with desire, longing, passion. I am helpless. I am desperate. I am miserable. He keeps telling me I shouldn't declare what I should be. But CAN I HELP IT?!!!! This is like a disease he himself has caused me and frankly I just hate him for that. Right now I'm thinking how he had lured me. Long before he made that first call, when we were still texting, this much I can say: he already lured me.

He doesn't accept that, of course, conveniently blaming it to fucking serendipity. 'Power of suggestion' he onced said. Plain bullshit. Whatever the reason that led him to making that call, the fact remains that it was still him who initiated everything. It was still him who enticed me. Yes, I am BLAMING. Because I want to hate him. I want to stop thinking how he must be feeling the same way towards me. I need to just snap myself back to reality so I can move on with my life.

I have always been in control of myself. I have always made things happen. I have always dealt with my monsters bravely. Right now, I'm losing it all. I'm setting up for crumbs.It's making me hate myself. And that spells trouble.