"Doth I Protest Too Much"

I'm not threatened, by every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women, it's just a thing called guy
I don't notice your side ways glances or where your loyalty lies
I'm secure and out of me, it's hard to get a rise

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
Doth I protest too much?

I'm not tortured by how oft your busy, Cause I've got things to do
I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss you me, cause I don't need you to

I'm not needy
I don't get clingy much
I'm not scared
I'm not afraid as such
I'm not dependent
Rock solid, stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

So much energy to prove to you
Who I can't possibly be
So much energy to prove to you
I'm not who you hate for me to be

I'm not saddened
And I don't miss you
Cause I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover
Cause I have a new lover too

I'm not depressed
I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent
I am not dark as such
I'm never sad
Keep Chin Up, Stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

WOUNDED AND FIERCE

I still think of you. But the tears couldn't fall anymore. That can mean the vixen has roused and ready to take revenge. That can also mean apathy, coldness, tiredness. All of the above, I guess.

You caused them, haven't you known yet? Did you even have the slightest idea how much pain you brought me?

As for apathy, coldness, tiredness, don't worry. They're only for you. I won't be apathetic about life or even love in general. I had my share of indiscretion and I learn from it. I take responsibilty for it. But to you, for you, with you...I can only be doubtful, unfeeling and just plain sick. You make me sick. You make me puke. All the deception that you are. All the sweet, pretty, enticing lies that you are. All the surgar-coated words that you are. All the fucking lust that you are.

As for revenge, I can very well do the craziest things you would never imagine that I could do, just to get even. You've never really known me, my dear. Had you known me, you could have thought twice before making up all those stupid lies.

But right now, I have to admit I am not decided yet, what to do. Just give me a while to lick on my wounds.

FRAGMENTED

I am okay. My life is okay. I function well.

Function.

Because at the end of the day, when all else has gone past asleep, I lay awake. I stare at the ceiling. I remember you. And I cry. I think of you and those brief moments we've shared over the phone. I think of every line you sent my way. How they pierce through my heart, leave me bleeding and barely breathing. Love potion.

Did you really see me? Want me? Love me? Did you really mean when you said you care for me and that I mean so much to you? How much do you really feel for me?

Even if you offered to elaborate on it, I would not let you, lest I'd believe you and I end up disillusioned.

But right now, am I not disillusioned already? It's the silence that's killing me. It's making me feel so betrayed. Even if yes, you told me it doesn't mean you care less. But can I help it? Didn't you make things possible from the start, no matter what? Then again, I am not even asking for so much. I am not in the position to ask for anything. All I want is for you to stick around.

It's complicated, I know. That's why I choose to write to myself, than tell you these things that drive me nuts. I can't understand myself. You won't understand me.

I AM

Henry James said of Eliot "She is magnificently ugly--deliciously hideous...in this vast ugliness resides a most powerful beauty which, in a very few minutes steals forth and charms the mind, so that you end as I ended, in falling in love with her."