DYING FAIRY

Once in my life I was free to soar, to sing, to shout at the top of my lungs, to think of anything and give life to it like a god growing wings to a worm...I was freer, if not completely free. I didn't have anything to own, nothing to be concerned about, but myself and my endless wanderlust.

Until love made me a slave of many kinds. My hands and feet got tied with ludicrous obsession to please and perverted desire to get hurt over and over...what have become of me? Never in my million imaginings did I ever think pain could be this addictive. I cringe at the thought of myself licking on my own blood and feeling so alive with its taste.

If only I could find a cave in which I could yield and conceal myself from this world. I am too much embarrassment. My existence is a shame to the rest of the dancing elegantly powerful fairies where I used to belong.

I loathe love and anything that it resonates. It's like a cancer that has stricken me, leaving me with no other choice but to lie in my death bed and wait till it finally consumes my flesh to rot.

WHAT OUR LOVE SHOULD BE

Let me tell you the things that you’d need to know, before I finally go ahead and change my course. Once and for all, my words will make immortal the feelings you alone have awaken in me.

I love you way too much already it’s hurting me not to see any future with you. Your love is too beautiful I cannot touch it. It shows me such a striking contrast of what I cannot have, too much that it blinds me. I cannot stay friends with you while nursing such desire too intense it scares me. And I cannot stay in love with you while we are nurturing such a beautiful friendship I know I won’t find with any other else.

Why do I love you, anyway? Should I even answer that? There’s something that I cannot name that stirred in me from the day that I first saw you. There’s something that both frightened and delighted me that night you first called me, a year ago. I guess I will die wondering what that was. I love you simply because of that mystery. There was something in your eyes that got hold of my soul, taking with it all reason I had left.

You are everything that I would want to be with for the rest of my life. But I cannot keep loving you the way that you would be pleased to, because you will break my heart, like you already had done before. Call me stupid, stubborn. Call me anything else. But I choose to keep thinking that way, I choose to get hurt more from that thought, because the more that I get hurt, the more that I become less frightened to get into the night forest all by myself.

My night forest is this marriage, and I am staying while I can. I am not going away, because I cannot bear to leave you. I cannot bear to hurt you. I cannot bear the thought that soon after your crying over me, you will move on, and find yet another. I am staying, but I should stop giving myself to you. Because each time I do, you take away a huge piece of me. Right now, there’s almost nothing left.

There is so much fear. I am almost certain that we got the same fears. All we both want is for each other to stay in sight. But are we really going anywhere?

I want out of this quagmire and I realized I cannot hold on to you because you too are stuck, here, with me. I want both of us out…Your daughter, her eyes…they pierced through me. It helped to finally see her in person. It reminded me where your life should be headed. Each time you talk about your wife, how much you love her, how much you take care of her, I die deep inside. And believing in how much you feel for me becomes impossibly difficult. How could I trust the same person who betrays his wife?

I love you. I hope you realize how much difficult this is for me. If I stop going out with you, whatever you show your family will be genuine once again. I am giving you that freedom. And I can move on and learn to find healing for all the scars loving too much have left me.

I have spoken too much already. I guess it’s time for me rediscover the silence where my soul resides. I’ll start again, from there…

You know you are in love
when you see the world in his eyes,
and his eyes everywhere in the world.

- David Levesque –

Lately I've noticed that you're becoming more and more like my husband...he used to have the same devotion, addiction, obsession towards me. He would always want to be beside me, to inhale the air next to me. He would look at no one but me, listen to no one but me, would say nothing but just look at me forever. I am scared of those things. Because I used to indulge in them, only to be hurt later. I know I shouldn't compare you to anyone. I know I shouldn't compare your feeling for me to anyone. But I just can't help but get scared. I am too scared to trust you. I am too scared to expose my heart yet again. Even if you've had me, I am holding back my heart because it has been so badly broken it is still actually trying to heal.

In spite of my endless qualms, I would be happy if you would stay the same, even if the fire has long been relinquished. Even if the songs have long since fade. Even if the rhymes wouldn't come anymore. I know things will change eventually. But even with just some smoke from the embers, I would be happy to breathe you in still.

I tried so much to make sense of what I fell for you, of what you're feeling for me. But I am getting tired already. I don't think things will ever make sense.

quagmire

Every time I think of you, I am overcome with emotions. Most of these emotions I cannot underline. All I know is I feel for you so so strongly that it blurs any bit of sanity I have left. Most of the time my own thoughts sadden me, cutting through my heart, simply because I do not have any permission to indulgence.

I want to walk away but I cannot bear to hurt you even if it will hurt me twice as much. I want you to walk away, but I get scared as hell at the thought of you abandoning me yet again. I don't know anymore. You're right. We're in a quagmire.

But I want something to hold on to. And we cannot hold onto each other, because we're both stuck in here...