Do I Still Deserve that Fairy Tale?

Who wouldn't cry watching this video? It makes me envy the brides who marry the one they truly love and who truly loves them. Every little girl dreams of marrying her prince one day. Right now, my life with you is I can say the exact opposite. Sometimes I'd like to call it a nightmare. Sad, right? But this is not to blame you. It's to remind you this has become our reality. Both of us, we've had our share of imperfections why everything has led to this mess. Given the fact that we started when things were in complete chaos. I was half hoping we could just say the romantic lines we often hear in movies, "You and me against the world", now it seems that it's "You and me against each other." This wedding video that made me cry buckets is just the romantic part, I know. This couple is going to face every hurdle that life calls a reality. There will be fights, there will be tears, there will be doubts and questions and answers that will not be easy to give. But you see, they've waited eight years for this day. Eight, very difficult years. Will you wait this long for me? Will you wait this long with an unconditional love, the kind that doesn't ask for anything in return? Will we have that honeymoon in a faraway beach and get lost in the starlit skies just thanking the one who made them and who brought us together? Will we still live that fantasy that you promised me you would make into a reality? I am just a girl, forever waiting for her prince to take her away. Behind my strong-willed facade hides someone who is weak, frail, scared, forever wishing and wondering does she deserve a happy ever after?

I do not even know what to write anymore. I can't even write in the journal, not being able to hold the pen steadily. Natubuan na ko guro nerbyos. Wala na untat kurog akon mga unod. Indi naman ko kabalo mag think. Daw nag gaga na ko. Daw nag tanga. Wala kaon, wala tulog, hibi lang nga hibi. Ngaa amo gid ni ka sakit. Ngaa amo gin ni ka scary. Ngaa amo gid ni ka uncertain. Ngaa kinanglan ko gid mag decide? Tani indi lang. Tani things will die a natural death na lang. Why do I feel like it's all on me, all the time? Why do I feel nga kong ma give up na ko, amo na na ang katapusan ta? Why do I feel like wala ka gid ya sang himuon pa para sa aton nga duha? What has become of our love? What has become of you? Tama na nga justify if not deny sang mga nagkalatabo. We both know what was that about. You can insult me all you want sang sobra ko nga ka alam, sang sobra ko nga ka dalum. But put yourself in my shoes. You know what was that about. Daw mapatay ko. Paminsaron ko lang nga lain ka gali nga tawo daw malagyo ko. Gusto ta ka sakiton. Gusto ta ka balusan. After all this time, ako imo gina akusahan. Ako imo gina imbentuhan sala. After all this time??? Tuod gali ang mga istorya parte sa imo?? Ngaa amo ka na? Yes, for me right now, amo ka na kalain. Wala ka labot sa resulta sang himuon mo, basta you do as you please. Kamo lang nga duha sa balay, wala tawo nga iban. Tapos matupad ka pungko sa bangko? Wala ka na da ya e rason pa nga iban. It will just make you look like a total fool. You know what was that about. Who are you? What kind of monster are you? I told this too many times na. Last na to ang kay Buding. Sobra na. This time wasak wasak na gid ko ya. Indi ko kaya batunon nga kinanglan na ko mag desisyon. Indi ko kaya batunon nga diri ma lang ta gali asta.

I thought you were the ideal man. I thought you were my prince. I thought you were almost perfect. Kasakit pinsaron nga dream lang to tanan. I wish right now maka balik ko to kag indi na ko to mag halin. Sakit sakit gid where I am right now. I need someone to rescue me and yet you cannot be that someone. You have inflicted pain on me in ways that I couldn't imagine I deserved. I strive hard to be better for you, every day. With the best that I could I give you the better version of me every day. I haven't seen it in you. I haven't seen you try. Maybe for a very minimal percent I saw you try to fight a good fight. But you never stayed that way. You became worse every day. Sakit sa dughan nga wala ko gali sang may mahimo para sa imo. Maybe I should stay away from you basi pa lang you will be better without me. You were the best that you were with your wife. I saw that. And that's what made me admire you. Responsible, great provider, focused, mature, confident, patient, humble. With me, you became worse. Even worst version of yourself.

Nakapoy na ko mag palangga sa imo. Mas kapoy ka pa palanggaon sang sa hari. I can now say that for a fact. Wala ko kasalapo pareho sa imo ka difficult nga tawo, nga ikaw pa may sala, ikaw pa isog, ikaw pa biktima. Mas mayo pa tamaran nga salaguron nga wala lang gapanghilabot. Ikaw ya, wala ka iban gina hilabtan kundi ako, imbentuhan mo ko sala, bantayan mo tanan nga malain sa akon, and yet wala mo gina lantaw ang mga ginahimo ko nga maayo para sa imo. I do not know you. Who are you???

Never ending hell

Sakit sakit. Wala tupong. In here I will lay down and cry till there's no more tears left to cry. I keep crying, just crying but there's no more tears. I wish all this is just a nightmare. The pain keeps getting more and more intense the longer I stay with him. I wish I'd never wished for him before. I should have endured the pain no matter how hard it was that time. Now it's even more too hard to bear. There's too much ugliness between us already. Verbal, emotion, mental abuse. Lately there are signs it's going to be physical already. I can't bear it anymore. If only there is a way that we can end this already, without hurting each other. It seems never ending. Lord please help me. The only person I have loved so much is a different person now.

Resurrect me

Maybe I should resurrect this page. Give justice to it. I feel like writing here again, all my pains, all the hurts, the darkness. It's all coming back. I was wrong for saying you're a different person now. So wrong. The fact is, this was the old you. Someone who took joy in watching me bleed on the ground, bleed to my death. And yet you kicked on me and wanted me to hurry dying. This was you. And you are so back.

I want to as stay far away from you as possible. I'm just so scared of you right now. Scared than I ever could get. You are a monster ready to devour me anytime. You tied me hands and feet  and spat on me, slapped me on the face over and over and pulled my hair and hit my head on the wall. What hurt the most was the fact that you spat on my face. I can never forget that. Never mind the bruises, never mind my head being hit on the wall. But your saliva on my face, it's way beyond what I could imagine from someone who hates me and loathes me like I am the worst person on earth.

We both do not know what happened to us anymore. We have gone too far from how we've started. I was willing to do everything to make things right. But you just hate me so much you won't even reach out for my hand.

I want to let go. Once again, I'm saying this. Please let me let you go. There's nothing for us in the future. Only pains and scare and death.