GROPING

where are you? amidst all this present darkness, this present pain, where are you? i can still here the echoes of your promises. you did say you will never leave me. you did say you wanted to be there for me, and that you will be there for me. you did say you care for me. a lot. you did say you want me. you did say i meant so much to you. i need them now, i need those words. i need those reassurance.

i need you.

but why can't i freely open up myself to you, friends should be free to do that. why do i feel like you will dislike me if i start acting like a damsel in distress? i want you to be my knight in shining armour. haven't you realized that? what's wrong with being friends anyway? you can care for me, still. you can love me, still.

your desire for me shouldn't bring me pain. it shouldn't keep you away from a beautiful friendship. why must things change? why do they have to change? why are you abandoning me again. you promised me i would never lose you. and you made sure of that. why are you making it a habit to hurt me?

i must forget you. that's what you are trying to say. that's what you've been trying to say.

how do i do that, anyway? where do i start? could i ever do it? could i ever make it day after day? pain after pain?

are you even there? where are you?

CRYING BIRD

Why are you crying? Why have you been crying? Why can’t you stop crying? Where do you get all that sadness? All that mourning and grieving that seem to flow in you forever. Why do you constantly feel so alone, when you’re surrounded with people who dearly love you, admire you and adore you. Why do you need so much? Why do you want so much? Didn’t you once say that happiness is simple? Weren’t you once crazy over butterflies and field of lazy dandelions? How many times did you dance like crazy in the rain? Remember the nights when you laughed at the moon and called it a coward and a fool for hiding in the clouds? You were so full of life, you smiled easily, you laughed at your own foolishness. You were living! Don’t choose to die just because summer is over. And stop grieving over that sunset. It’s just a stupid sun that knows nothing but to rise and fall. You can do so much, you are more than just an audience in the ensemble of stars in the skies. Stop feeling the sadness of the world in your heart, just because there is no more sadness left in you to feel. Get up, open wide your windows, breathe in the fresh air that is lush with the smell of first June rain. That is life, that is what you needed, that is what brought you to paint your own world with bright colors of falling in love and dreaming, laughing, dancing and flying! Come on, dare fly again, there’s still so much to see…

Tomorrow, a distant past

I wait for the day to come, when all you will be to me, is a distant memory. Right now, I look into my heart, and I grope for you there, in the dark. I grope for the pain, too. I could barely touch it. It is waning. I am healing. I still cry, just cry. I don't lose my breath. I don't lose my mind.

I wait for the day, when all you will be, is a faint sad song. I'll hum along with it, but I won't be familiar with the lyrics anymore.

I wait for the day, when I will forget you. Truly forget you, and all your promises.

I will remember you, yes. I will recall, perhaps, some of the good and bad times. But your voice will lose it's resonance to my heart.

That's what you want, don't you?

why mourn?

Why do you mourn, Anabelle
over withered flowers that fall?
How can you
when you are just a girl.
Young hearts should sing
colored dreams and sweet kisses.
Cry though never knowing why,
grieve for broken twigs
and dead branches.
For when you're old
you won't shed a tear
for galaxies of dead rose petals
dashed by violent rains
on mossy soil.
A smile and a tear
grow from one little seed, Anabelle,
blooms decorate your window
and you know you don't cry
for dried flowers,
but for yourself.