You always say you don’t want me to cry alone. But I always do that. I have cried a thousand tears already without you having to know. There are times when I just want to shut you and the rest of the world away. Because I know there are tears that you will never understand. I don’t want to tire you away with my never ending drama. I don’t want to discourage you and fear that you will be living with someone who knows all the pain in the world and bears them like her own. A lot of times, I just feel that I am better off alone bearing these wounds.
What can you do to heal them anyway? Even you, have caused a lot of these marks in my soul. Once in a while I am faced with this temptation to just stay away and be on my own. I fear the future with you when I cannot bear to get to know your past completely so I could let go of it. Yes, the wounds you keep inflicting me is your past and it is still so alive right now I can’t help but be discouraged. I want to look to a future that is afresh with new hope and promise. Not one with the shadow of the horrific past.
How can I forget the vivid images of you loving and taking care of her? Making love to her wildly and passionately like we do now? Even more wild and freer than you are to me. How can I forget the scenes of you being a husband to her that made her believe in forever? How can I ever forget the way you looked when you told me you will be crying out in the rain if she will leave you? Do you think I can forget the dreamy look in your eyes when you told me how you declared you’re marrying her?
All these, and a lot more nightmares I deal with almost every night. Plus a lot more other pains our present prison causes me every day. I am so tired. I want to end this and start on my own. Between a future with you with your past and a future alone with a new hope, I choose the latter. I’d rather be alone and lonely. It’s easier to deal with than be with you and your elaborate past.
