FOOLS LIKE ME

Everybody go
The party's over
I want to be alone in my head
In my bed tonight
You never show

You must really love her
You think I don't know
But I do, yeah it's true
I think over is over

I'm right back where I started
(when it comes to wanting you)
I can't have what I wanted

[Chorus]
But I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind
If love's a drug
It always is
It always was and
Love was surely made for fools like me

I know where I'm going
I'm tripping I'm sliding around
That's ok
At least I'm excited
It wasn't how I planned it
(wasn't how I planned it
Feet are where I landed
At least I understand it now)
My feet are where I landed
(feet are staying on the ground)
[Chorus]

Fools like me
Fools like me

I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed

Maybe it's the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream
But love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools like me

LET GO

" Yeah I trust in you
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone"

Lyrics from"Let go"By Barlow Girl

IT'S STILL A LIFE SHARED TOGETHER

"Since you can never be mine ... at least we have our friendship, a life shared together."

SETTING UP FOR CRUMBS

This is what happens when you're in an affair. Well, an emotional affair actually. I am married, he is married. We have this incredible connection that is almost scary for me. Almost all roads of serendipity lead to the two of us. "We're connecting even when we're not talking." He texted me once when we sent text messages simultaneously to each other, about the same book in the Bible. The coincedences in our life are insanely too many and too frequent to handle. I guess that is what's driving me nuts. Stupid serendipity. I'm just sick and tired of it right now. Makes me too desperate for his company, for his attention, for the magic that this, I'll say it again, serendipity brings about.

What good does it bring me anyway? Nothing. Instead, it's torturing me no-end. The reality that he can never be mine. No good at all. Only makes me think and think how faraway happiness has gone from me. I have been running after it for a long time. And meeting him has only gotten me more tired of this quest. It is making me bitter, full of angst, impatient, rude. My personal life is going down the drain, I must say.

Also I haven't been praying. Because praying makes me want to please God, and that means doing what is right. RIGHT. And these days I am just not ready for it. I am addicted to N. Everything about him. He rules my memory as of the moment. Thoughts of him torment me with desire, longing, passion. I am helpless. I am desperate. I am miserable. He keeps telling me I shouldn't declare what I should be. But CAN I HELP IT?!!!! This is like a disease he himself has caused me and frankly I just hate him for that. Right now I'm thinking how he had lured me. Long before he made that first call, when we were still texting, this much I can say: he already lured me.

He doesn't accept that, of course, conveniently blaming it to fucking serendipity. 'Power of suggestion' he onced said. Plain bullshit. Whatever the reason that led him to making that call, the fact remains that it was still him who initiated everything. It was still him who enticed me. Yes, I am BLAMING. Because I want to hate him. I want to stop thinking how he must be feeling the same way towards me. I need to just snap myself back to reality so I can move on with my life.

I have always been in control of myself. I have always made things happen. I have always dealt with my monsters bravely. Right now, I'm losing it all. I'm setting up for crumbs.It's making me hate myself. And that spells trouble.

Existential Love

I USED TO THINK THAT I ALWAYS KNEW THAT I NEVER REALLY LOVED YOU
BUT NOW I'M SURE IT'S TRUE
YOU SAID YOU DID THOSE FAVORS OUT OF LOVE, I DID THEM BECAUSE I HAD
NO REASON NOT TO
SO NOW AS YOU'RE STANDING THERE IN THE RAIN
I WON'T INVITE YOU IN
I'LL MARRY YOU IF YOU WANT TO
BUT I WON'T LET YOU LIVE HERE

YOU CRY WHEN I REJECT YOU
YOU LAUGH WHEN I DON'T
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM
WHAT'S THE BIG GROPE

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO
I GUESS IT CAN BE
TO TAKE IT ALL IN CONTEXT
I GUESS I LOVE YOU EXISTENTIALLY

THAT TIME YOU SAID IT MEANT SO MUCH TO YOU THAT I SENT YOU FLOWERS
IT DIDN'T MEAN A THING TO ME
THEY WERE OUT GROWING IN MY GARDEN AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO
DO WITH THEM
SO DON'T ASK ME ANYMORE IF I LOVE YOU
BECAUSE IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN
AND DON'T YOU ASK ME WHY I DON'T
BECAUSE I WON'T, I JUST WON'T

YOU NEVER SEEM TO LISTEN
BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE
I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T GET KILLED
BECAUSE YOU'D GET BLOOD ALL OVER MY NEW SHIRT THAT I LENT YOU

JUST TO MAKE MYSELF CLEAR
IN CASE YOU CANNOT SEE
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING
BUT I LOVE YOU EXISTENTIALLY

EXISTENTIAL LOVE IS MY FAVORITE KIND
I WOULD DIE FOR YOU
BUT I HAVEN'T GOT THE TIME

EXISTENTIAL LOVE MAKES IT ALL SO CLEAR
THE WORLD IS FULL OF EMPTINESS
SO WHY ARE WE HERE

BUT TO LOGICALLY REITERATE
THAT YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE
BUT I LOVE YOU EXISTENTIALLY

1992, Chris Yelverton

The First Time I Loved Forever

Lyrics by Melanie Safka
Music by Lee Holdridge
Sung byLisa Angelle
(From "Beauty and the Beast")
With excerpts from the poem “Somewhere I Have Never
Traveled, Gladly” by the American poet E.E. Cummings

Poem:
“Somewhere I have never traveled
Gladly beyond any experience
Your eyes have their silence
And your most frail gesture of things
Which enclose me
But which I cannot touch
Because they are too near.”

The first time I loved forever
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you loved me
For the me of who I am

The first time I loved forever
I cast all else aside
And I bid my heart to follow
Be there no more need to hide

And if wishes and dreams
Are merely for children
And if love's a tale for fools
I'll live the dream with you

Poem:
“oh, if your words be to close me
I, my life will shut, very beautifully
Suddenly, as when the heart of this flower
Imagines the snow carefully, everywhere
descending”.

For all my life and forever
There's a truth I will always know
When my world divides and shatters
Your love is where I'll go

Poem:
“I do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens. Only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses.
Nobody, not even the rain has such small hands.”