The trip wasn’t something that I had wanted, nor imagined. It wasn’t something that I was excited about for days. Up till now it leaves a pang in my heart knowing that I could never undo it. I guess the pang will just forever stay there…
It was more for him, that it was for me, or for both of us…just him. Despite all the fears deep inside me, despite all the disappointment, I closed my eyes and gave in. I thought I might as well give him what he wanted and make him happy. He was happy. I could see that. And many times I tried to hold back my tears watching him so free, basking in his zest, craziness, carelessness. I joined him, I indulged him, at least I would have something for him to treasure the rest of his life.
I wish I could disappear the whole day. I had secretly planned of sneaking out of the place before he would wake up. I was thinking of taking a bus and disappearing from his life forever. There was a lot of emotions for me to deal with and I didn’t trust myself to keep putting up a face for him. But then again, I turned from my side of the bed, found him so fast asleep, looking so contented. I lost all strength, as always.
He’s changed me in many ways. I still cannot know if these are for the better or for worse. I would be inclined to conclude on the latter, as far as my morality standard is concerned, but disregarding all those fucking patterns, I sure know these changes inside of me are for the better…
He says I’m changing him, too, and unlike me, he’s very positive about these things that delightfully befall him. It amazes me no end how much beauty he sees in me, how everything about me is a constant reminder nothing but love, love, love for him. I still cannot find it in me to believe everything that he says. I would melt deep inside but it is always coupled with a sickening fear that one day, he will be gone again, anyway.
The Lighthouse. I don’t know yet how much special it is for him, but I’m sure glad I am part of that happiness. I could not frolic like he did that afternoon, because my heart was sinking over the fact that we should be burying some bottle there. Maybe one day we can come back there again, this time for my happiness. Maybe one day I can write another blog, a poetry, even a book with the Lighthouse on the cover. Maybe one day there will be more trips down that road, more memories to be made. Happier ones.
