I love you, even when I act like I do not care. I want you, as often as I push you away. Most of the time I sniff in the air in a desperate attempt to imagine you're near. You rule my memory even when I become elusive as moon in a stormy night.

Loving you is a dangerous vice, even deadly. But I snort you in like lines of cocaine, choking myself till I get lost into our world where nobody knows existed. It is pretty in there, fresh, free, deliriously happy.

I am an addict.

Maybe when I am less scared I will write again. I will write about dreams of a great love found but lost it to forever. Right now how can I write anything about it when all I face each day is having to fall off a cliff of rejection. As much as he insists on how much in love he is with me he rejects me by the things that he does as compliance to the whims of my criminal heart. At least that’s how I feel.

How can I fully trust him? If only I know how. How can I accept everything that he offers and not get hurt over and over by the things that he could not. There is the whole vastness of forbidden dreams between us and it will forever separate us. He can forever swim through these furious waves, but he will get tired. He can get tired. I fear it to happen but I wait for that day. Rather than hope otherwise and die out of it.

He is out there, crying his own pains. And I am here, loathing my tear-drenched heart for still beating in spite of drowning.

There is so much to write. But even my own words scare me.