DISCONSOLATE

I am fuming mad. It’s been a week since we last hung out, and even then I was just pretty cool about that. Started to get used to the idea that soon enough we’re going to slow down, halt, and eventually stop. But he was the one persistently flirting and suggesting a next rendezvous. Of course that got me geared up once again. Since this morning we were already sort of finalizing our meeting after office. I went out much earlier, strolled in the mall, sat down and read the book I was going to give to him as a Christmas present, strolled around again, sat down and waited. Only to get a text from him saying he need to meet wifey that needed a ride home.

I knew I was literally turning red because I felt my blood burning and rushing up my face. I felt so dejected. I felt miserable because I couldn’t do anything about the situation, anyway. It’s not as if I didn’t know he’s married. I sent him a couple of messages ranting and all I got as a reply was: “Please bear with me…” His callousness is really getting into my nerves. He only pays attention to me whenever he’s horny. But really, do I mean anything to him. He cannot even give time just to check out this blog I started about him. He’s written a couple or so items on his own site, and they’re all about the lust that he feels for me.

I guess I only needed to keep getting hurt this way, so I can muster enough strength to finally let him go. I can keep hanging out with him, even if there’d be no sex anymore, I swear. I can love him like that. I know I can. But if he’s only there for me just for the sex, I don’t think I can stay forever giving such “favors”. He’s already making me feel like a real slut.

Now that I know he's with his family, I feel like sending him a text, or call him relentlessly. I feel like doing something really stupid and bad, like blowing his covers. I feel like living up to my present slutty status.

And right now I just feel so so so sorry for myself.

What have I become so far, out of loving him?