qualms

Two days ago we were out again to our secret den. I learned his wife is pregnant. Condition is kinda delicate, so it means no sex for him, "till she gives birth," he says. It somehow stung my heart, thinking about the obvious implications to me being there, always ready for a good lay. I kept asking him, "What am I to you right now?" He wouldn't look at me, he wouldn't give any sensible answer. "I don't know, a concubine, maybe..."

The last time we hung out, he told me he wanted me to be his concubine forever, and that it will take a "very, very long time" for him to get over his attraction to me. "As long as you look like that, as long as you talk like that..."

But this time, he seemed to insinuate a halt to our frequent meetings. I asked him to elaborate and he said, "you want me to say it without crying?" He said he's learned to love me enough to want to see me happy with my life and not screwing it up.

At first it pained me, thinking I've already served my purpose, anyway. I've already quenched his desires, fulfilled his fantasy. He's got me already. There's nothing left to discover. There's nothing left to say. After all, I only appeared to him as highly-sexed, exciting, smart wife to his friend... "but what will it profit me to have you? Don't you think you're too much risk?" he told me while I was crying, the first time we did the gory deed. "but you are worth all that risk."

I do not know how to believe him. Ours is not a normal relationship. No commitments. No obligations. "Everything between us must be voluntary," he would say. So what we have is like a bubble floating in the air. We do not have any solid foundations. That's why we are both insecure. We are both scared and shy to ask for what we want. I am pretty sure he, too, got his own qualms, even fears. I wish he would tell me. I wish I would know of his fears. I wish he would ask me to say more. I wish he would listen.

I wish he would ask me to stay.

Then again, would I stay? Will I know how?