where to next?

Two more secret trysts, and we finally mustered the much needed valor to talk about letting go. A week ago, when we went out, he instantly dozed off in my arms. It didn’t bother me, as it would usually do to a woman. I wanted that chance to ponder until when will I be able to stand loving him in fragments? I wanted to hold that moment forever in my heart, him breathing the after-sex lethargy into my chest. I was getting used to his scent, his touches, the glances that gets my blood going. I was getting used, and getting scared at the same time. Too scared to be happy with him.

And yeah…the other day. It was supposed to be our last escapade. He said he couldn’t keep giving me the kind of love that destroys me. “I don’t know if you could ever forgive me for destroying you like this.” I started crying. I knew we were reaching that part of the journey where we need to stop and decide which way to go next. In my case, he was asking me to go back. I broke down again, saying I’ve gone a long, long way already I would be scared to go back.

I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I cried no end, feeling so perennially scared.

The following day he dropped by my workplace and we talked inside his car. He said we’re not letting go, we’re just changing route. He showered me with assurance that he’s not going away ever again, that I got him, that I have him, that we’re in this together.

That’s a lot of comfort for now. I do not know what kind of tears will I cry again tomorrow, or tonight. I do not know where all this is leading me. I do not even know how I should trust his words. Too scared to ever do that again. “Would you believe me if I tell you how much I love you?” I said no. “But will you give me chance to prove it?”

I hope he proves it. I so direly want him to prove it. Even if I should let go, I only need to know we’re here for a reason.