goodbye for now...

Things have been happening so fast, at least for me. I don't know about you, really. You've been telling me things and just now I realize how such a high-school giggling girl I've become. So I decided to take everything you've said with a pinch of salt. Just to try ang keep myself from getting too far, at least while I can. Tomorrow I'm getting a new number. A desperate attempt, that's for sure. The fact is I can recite your number even backwards. But I can avoid you, at the least. I can prevent you from calling me now and again, whenever you feel like it, whenever you feel like getting excited.

I hate you. I hate you for making that call on the night of March 9. I hate you for coming into my life and I hate you for flirting your way into my heart. Now I am miserable. All of a sudden I lost control, skies above me suddenly has become so precarious leaving me panicking for cover.

I am so hurt and at the same time so ashamed of myself to think and hope that we can ever be friends. Such stupid naivety. What happened to the cunning, sly, fierce vixen? Or maybe I am only rushing things too much. I am rushing myself to get over this feeling and steer clear of the risks. And of the guilt, of getting broken, of regrets. I hate it all. I hate you.

The truth is, I have fallen for you. I cannot bear to feel all this blissfully weird emotions whenever we talk. Once in a while I loathe myself for desiring you, for wanting you, for giving it all up just for you, just to be with you. God, why did I even meet your eyes that first time we met. They haunt me no end. The more I squint my eyes, the more they look at me knowingly.

And so I cry it all out right now, even the tears that cannot fall. I have to make sure I leave my heart empty lest it tries to beat again. It deserves to be left barren after all the crime it has done. I just want to numb it, even for a moment. It has to come alive again only for one person it has been intended with.

I'm sorry for everything. I have been so careless, allowing myself to fall prey to some savage fantasies. I want to stand up again, that alone is dignity. As much as I don't want to trust you anymore, does that leave me with any other choice? At least, even this little secret between us will be something for me to hold dear forever.