WISH

I know it is foolish to live in 'what-ifs'. But lately I have been doing that. What-ifs mean regrets. They can mean cowardice. They can mean resignation. But right now, in the hope of salvaging myself from the rubble I have let myself into, I want to believe that living in 'what-ifs' could also mean ability to dream, to hope for what is beautiful, for what is desirable. For what can make me happy.

I cannot blame anyone for the mistakes I have made, and keep making. Furthermore, I cannot loathe myself for these mistakes. They are essential for my growth, they will enrich me later. I know later will come.

But right now, I continually feel so scared for my indiscretions. And I have to put up a face, everyday, as I have always did ever since I was a little girl. Why do I always need to be brave? Why should I always try to fight off my tears? Crying shouldn't be illegal. Causing someone to cry, is a crime.

I wish I were the Little Princess for the Little Prince. I would tag along as he would make his expedition. Together we will wander and wonder. Then understand.

I wish I made as much mistakes as I could while growing up. I wish I had the permission to mess around -- always -- while I was little. Right now I'm old enough to make such a mess in my life.

I wish I were a high school girl once again. I would be kind to that classmate who gave me flowers. I wouldn't mash it right in front of him.


I wish I knew what love really was before I got married. I wouldn't feel so trapped right now. I wish I knew I had wings. I would have flown to so many places, I would have flown some more. I would have found you.