Let me let you go

How do I let you go? How do I start walking away without my heart fading from each step? How do I forget the magic of your kisses? The spell of your touch? How do I stop thinking about you, and seeing your face everywhere? How should I stop the tears from flowing?

It would be almost a year since I started crying from the pain of knowing you. Yes, because more than the ephemeral bliss of our stolen moments, is the almost permanent pain of knowing we can never be able to love freely. Aching, throbbing, agonizing pain. Sometimes I get too weak from it I keep wishing to die. Yes, I’d rather die a thousand deaths than having to live my life over again and find you there. You see, having found you means a future of loneliness and pain. Once in a while, I am tempted to curse the day that I met you. It showed me how falling in love with a wrong person can cause a recurring nightmare. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

But I know I can still turn my life around. I know there is still somewhere inside me where I can find my lost ability to hope. I want to learn again, how to be happy. Without depending it on someone. I cannot continue to depend my happiness on you. I cannot keep expecting you to count the stars for me. I cannot keep believing we have the same story for each rainfall. Once in a while I’m thinking I just got too bedazzled to feel and believe otherwise.

I know I cannot stop loving you, though. You’ve become part of my life, in ways that I can never allow anyone else to experience. What you’ve seen, what you’ve touched, what you’ve experienced, everything you’ve become familiar with. Each scent, sound, even the response, the furtive silence, the delightful confusion that covers it all. Those were only for you, because you discovered them for yourself.

I don’t think someone else can find me the way you did.

That makes me too scared to go. Too scared to at least try to turn around and look the opposite road ahead. You said we need not go our separate ways. But how possible could that really be? Do you honestly believe we can go along the same path without destroying each other?