out of rabbit hole

The moment I entered into their house the world around me swirled, spun and churned leaving me dazed and nauseated. Deciding to finally visit his family at his house was indeed opening a Pandora’s box. It was all too much. I was being confronted by his reality so mercilessly. All those pictures on the wall and cupboards that speak of how much he loves his family and how happy he is with his own life. They stare at me so reproachfully telling me how wicked I am for over and over wanting a piece of him. I was there, a disgusting, horrible betrayer talking to his wife over books, children and our husbands. I tried so hard to act relaxed and happy that I was there. But my eyes roamed around like a thief sneaking and looking for something interesting. He said he made love to her in every nook and corner of that house. In the kitchen, dining, living room, bathroom, outside in the yard. Everything played in my mind over and over and the torment of it all made me want to just storm out of their house and into the nearest rabbit hole.

I cannot bear this kind of pain forever. I would rather that I let him go, cry alone even forever but never see what his life is like with his family, than indulge myself in the luxury of his kisses and devotion everyday but I cry to my pillow each night over the fact that he isn’t totally mine.

I am a selfish, greedy, voracious lover. I want his heart all to myself, I want everything about him. Sharing is out of the question. Bearing is insane. Settling for less is far too impossible. I do not have it in me to sit and wait when will be my turn.

God how I love him. I am so fucking crazy in love with him that many times I begged the heavens to bring us back to where our roads started so we could meet again and change our course forever. I guess between us, he isn’t the dreamer one like he always claims he is. I’ve been the one dreaming, getting myself lost and contented with his presence and romance that when I finally went to see his family I was jolted out of my pillow and woke up to the most painful reality ever.

I am good as dead right now. Those were a thousand knives buried in my chest. One knowing look at his wife was a thousand doubled. He is married. He has that life long before I met him. I cannot forever live in wonderland.