rain

My pain right now is more than what I could tell you, is more, much much more than what my tears could show. No matter how strongly we feel for each other, no matter how happy I become whenever I am in your arms, it cannot change my situation. It cannot drive away my anguish inside my cage. The fact remains that I am trapped in a life where I cannot do anything but stay and endure. For how long, I do not know. I wish I will know when to give up. I wish I have the audacity to think about myself and just leave anything unpleasant.

I do not want to keep hurting you, I do not want to keep pushing you away. If I have all the freedom I will let you love me in every way that you want. But the more that you give yourself to me, the more that it pains me because I cannot give myself to you as much as I want. The contrast blinds me. It's not easy to love someone I cannot have and yet hate and dislike someone who won't go away. Sometimes it gives me great scare. I lose myself in the process. I do not know myself anymore. I get confused easily. I get impatient, selfish, demanding. I am losing my capacity and my ability to pause, reflect, understand, forbear.

I need time for myself. I need to breathe the air, the kind of air I knew when I was young and free and hopeful. As much as I want to share every moment with you, I cannot. For now I just can't. There is no other way to justify the joy we both feel whenever we're together. It is still illegal if not totally wrong. It is still unacceptable. Perhaps if there is one thing that I would ask you right now, is to please bear with me. Maybe some day it will be us forever, I would like that to happen. But for now, while everything is a waiting and guessing game, stay there, if possible at a distance, and bear with me as I struggle to stay alive.

I love you. And I want to keep loving you. I may not admit it to myself totally yet, but I'm pretty sure it's your love that keeps me strong. Let us take this by the day. Let us not expect for what is in store for tomorrow. Because I for one am not sure what else I will be able to give by then. Right now I am too weak and exhausted to even take a deep breath and remember I'm still alive. If only I could get strength from you. If only I wouldn't feel so guilty to do so. If only I could run to you and stay in your arms while I'm bruised and scared.

But even our love is hurting me. At least for now. I wish I could fully understand why. I wish our love will stop making me cry. But while we have this forbidden distance, it will remain rainy in my world.