going home...

Way past midnight. And I lay wide awake. Eyes puffy. Heart breaking and aching. Spirit downtrodden. I lay awake beaten by my own thoughts giving birth to one torment after another. While you, most likely, are sound asleep in your home. In your family. In your contentment. In your happiness. In your life you have so endeavored to build. You have everything going. You have a future to look forward to. And you deserve it.

But all of it pains me. Constantly. That reality of yours hurts me. Because it stares at me right in the face and tells me I am nothing but a cheater. I am nothing but a dog setting up for crumbs. I am no more than a mendicant forever begging for whatever it is that you can give me.

And all I have is myself. No, I do not have you. Because I cannot have you. No, you cannot be there for me, as much as I need you to be there. And no, you cannot stay in love with me that way forever. You will get too familiar with me. You will get tired of me. You will discover everything about me until there would be nothing left to discover. All that will be left in your heart for me will be one of genuine concern. At least I know it would be genuine.

I am saying these things because I need you to realize how much I need you, how much I need so much more of you, that each time you are there for me is never enough. Never enough. I need you to take me seriously, everything that I say. Even if oftentimes I say them while throwing back my head in confident laughter. Mostly they’re feigned mirth, by the way. I need you to really see me, to see me beyond, so you can pay attention to my riddles.

I need you to stop wanting me, and start proving to me that you would still want me around even if I cannot be there anymore in ways that you want.

I’m sorry I am just too scared already. I am really really too scared to lose you again. I am scared to look at such a blurry road up ahead. I am scared of myself, that I do not seem to know my way around anymore. I am scared of this life I am making, it’s not progressing at all. I am scared of the possibility that I would give up on myself completely and just quit. I am scared I’m hating myself too much already I stopped using any mirror. I am scared of this love for you, this desire for you, this addiction to you, this madness. It is love, I know. No doubt about that. But I do not want our love to keep breaking us.

I love you. I would die if I lose you yet again. I don’t know if you have any inclination of how much, just how much, I feel for you. How crazy I am for you. I do not even know if it could still go away. I love you, so much that I gave up my soul just for you. I love you more than I love myself, more than I love my life, than whatever I have right now. But it will break you to see me lifeless, will it not? Many times I’ve told you I wanted to die? Because that’s how I really feel each time I feel so much for you it leaves me helpless. I cannot allow you to feel responsible for my own misfortunes, for my misgivings, for my pains. That is why, while there is still part left in me that I could come home to, you have to help me at least give it a try.

I want to see could I still do it…