not what it seems

I know those looks of yours. I know you were groping, looking for something, through my eyes, toward my soul... but I couldn't bring myself to meet you, at least not halfway. I knew there would be something that is sure to stir in me. I just know it will leave me with more grief...over a love that is not known to many. Over a world that only the two of us know exists. Over a life that is happening, but cannot happen. Not at all.

I wish I can learn to swim like you do. You swim through this precarious ocean of ours so gracefully. You drown for a bit, once a in a while but every time, you manage to kick and flip your way back to the surface for air. Me? I drown every day. But God knows how I try to swim like you do, to survive like you do. It's not easy to be always gasping for air. For life.

I wish I can grab your hand and cling like I always wanted to. But I hold myself back almost all of the time because I don't want to be scared anymore, just in case you won't be around, once again. What can stop me from being scared anyway? Nothing, I guess. But I wait for the day to come that I will find out.

Even if I don't meet your eyes, even if I shove your hand away, even if I act like I do not care... I hope that in your heart, you know better than believing that.