intoxicated

He likes to ask me questions. Am alright? Did I like what he did? What do I prefer? Did I miss him? Did I think of him? With whom I’m with? A guy or a girl? Guys like that used to turn me off. A lot. I didn’t like men who are too eager to please, to jealous, too insecure, too unsure of themselves. But with him, it’s different. Whenever he asks me things, whenever he’s too eager to please me, whenever he starts acting like an insecure boyfriend, I soak it in like I would in a milk bath. It’s so nourishing my heart feels ages healthier. But that’s the same reason why I never give him answers that he would like. Or at least I just give him part of my real answers. Because I do not want him to indulge in the pleasure of knowing how such a great lover he is. What good will it do to us, anyway? Ours is something only done in the dark, it doesn’t deserve to be cultivated and nurtured like a rose. What if it blooms to its fullest? What then?

This afternoon he called me up in the office. It startled me. For heaven’s sake only my husband calls me in my office landline. And it’s not as if he’s my boyfriend where I could openly get mushy with him over the phone. I wanted to say how good it was to hear his voice. I wanted to say I missed him terribly, even if it was only yesterday when we went out. I wanted to ask would he be free for a cup of coffee. I thought it was insane for him to make that call. My heart wanted to come out of my mouth. Because no matter how insane it was for him to do that, it made me happy. Even just for a moment.

Just for a moment. My heart bleeds at the reality staring at me in the face. I could never have him in my life forever. Never. I could never have his heart, all of it, for myself.

How I love him already. So much I cannot think of a future without him in it. I’ve never felt something like this in my life. But it pains me to think how something so beautiful can be so potent. It kills me to think how such feelings could cause so much suffering.

I’m scared of what pain tomorrow will bring me. I’m scared to see the road up ahead, where he will not be in it anymore. I’m scared to be so happy with him right now.